the days of my life-第15章
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Indeed there is no doubt that at times during these months we went in considerable risk。 I will not set down all the stories that came to our ears； of how we were to be waylaid and shot on this occasion or on that； but an incident that I remember shows me that Shepstone at any rate thought there was something in them。 One night I and another member of the staff — I think it was Mor — were at work late； copying despatches in a room of the building which afterwards became Government House。 This room had large windows opening on to a verandah； and over these we had not drawn the curtains。 Sir Theophilus came in and scolded us； saying that we ought to remember that we made a very easy target against that lighted background。 Then he drew the curtains with his own hand。
The Volksraad met and discussed all kinds of matters； but nothing came of their labours； except the appointment of a mission to examine into the state of the country and confer with H。M。‘s Special missioner。 I attended some of their debates and remember the scene well。 They were held in a long； low room down the centre of which stood a deal table。 Round this table sat some thirty members； most of them Boers。 At the head of the room sat the Chairman at a little raised desk； by the side of which stood a chair for the use of the President of the State when he visited the Volksraad。 Among the members was Paul Kruger； then a middle…aged man with a stern； thick face and a squat figure。 At one of these sittings I obtained his autograph； a curious piece of calligraphy which I am sorry to say I have lost。 We saw a good deal of “Oom Paul” in those days； for on several occasions he visited the Special missioner。 Generally I showed him in and out； and I recollect that the man impressed me more than did any of the other Boers。
In after days I knew that Volksraad Zaal well enough； for when I became Master and Registrar of the High Court I used to sit in it just beneath the judge。
Doubtless I wrote a good many letters home at this time； but I imagine that they were destroyed either on receipt or perhaps after my mother’s death。 Four or five of them； however； my father preserved； apparently because they refer to money matters。 A little while ago my brother William8 found them when rummaging through papers at Bradenham； and kindly sent them to me。 I have just re…read them for the first time； and； as a full generation has gone by since they were written； I find the experience strange and in a sense sad。 The intervening years seem to fall away； the past arises real and vivid； and I see myself a slim； quick…faced young fellow seated in that room at Pretoria inditing these epistles which I had so long forgotten。 They are written in a much better hand than I can boast today； every word being clear and every letter well formed； which doubtless was a result of my despatch e extracts。
8 Sir Rider’s eldest brother； the late Sir W。 H。 D。 Haggard； K。C。M。G。； at that time Minister at Rio。 — Ed。
Pretoria； S。A。R。： March 13； 1877。
My dear Father； — Since my last letter matters have been rapidly advancing and drawing to a close。 The Raad； after making a last move at once futile and foolish； has prorogued itself and left matters to take their course。 Things are also looking much more peaceable； and I do not think that there will be any armed resistance。 At one time an outbreak seemed imminent； in which case we should have run a very fair chance of being potted on our own stoep。 。 。 。 I spoke a day or two ago to the Chief as to my taking home the despatches； and he told me that he could not send me as the bearer of the despatches； 1st： because it was no longer done except through foreign territories； 2nd： because I might be delayed on the road by sickness or accidents； and that in performing a long journey of the sort a mail…bag had a better chance of getting safely and swiftly to its destination than a messenger。 “But；” he said； “I will send you with the despatches and with credentials to the Colonial authorities； empowering you to give such information as my despatches do not and cannot contain； which is a great deal” （Sir T。 is not a voluminous writer）； “and in this way you will be a living despatch。”
This is perhaps not quite so good as taking the actual letters； since I shall not get my expenses； but as far as regards other things it will answer my purpose equally well。 It will be something to my name in case I wish or am obliged at any future time to avail myself of it。 Besides it is indirectly a great pliment to myself。 Any young fellow can carry despatches； but it is not for everybody of my age and short experience who would be trusted to give private information on so important a subject as the unexpected annexation of a splendid territory as large as Great Britain； information which may very probably be made use of in Parliament。 Since I have been here I have done my best to study the question and to keep myself informed as to every detail； and I get my reward in this manner 。 。 。 。
I think that I shall e home via the Cape。 It will be a stiff journey； 1200 miles in a post…cart； but it will be a thing to have done； and I want if possible to get to London at the same time as despatches announcing the Annexation。 When the Proclamation will go I cannot say； but I think it will be in the course of the next fortnight。 We received news to…night that the troops and guns are on the way to Newcastle。 I shall start by mail following the issue of the Proclamation。
We are going on as usual here working in the dark （we are beginning to emerge now） and waiting the result。 It has been an anxious business； but I think that we are all right now。
I had rather that my letters were not shown； as we do not quite know what line the Home Government is going to take； and I have spoken pretty plainly。 ＇All these letters to which I refer here are missing。 — H。 R。 H。＇
It was after my return from Secocoeni’s and； I think； within a day or two of the Proclamation being issued； that I received that harsh epistle from my father of which I have written earlier in this book； that； as I have said； caused me at the last moment not to start for England。 It was a very foolish act on my part； as the reader who studies the facts will see。 I should have remembered that when he wrote his letter my father could not have known that I was ing home in this important position； namely to give viva…voce information to Lord Carnarvon as to all the circumstances connected with the Annexation。 Nor； although I have little doubt that my mother and my sister Mary； now Baroness A。 d’Ahan； were privy to the secret and private reasons for my journey； to which I have also already alluded； was he perhaps aware of them。 However； so I acted in my hurt pride and anger； and there the thing remains。 I may say in excuse of this want of judgment that I was very young； only twenty； and that I had to make up my mind on the spot while； as the Zulus say； “my heart was cut in two。”
Moreover I repeat my belief that the finger of Fate was at work in the matter； how and why perhaps we should have to go back； or forward； ages or aeons to explain。 Years ago I came to the conclusion that our individual lives and the accidents which influence them are not the petty things they seem to be； but rather a part of some great scheme whereof we know neither the beginning nor the end。 The threads of our destinies； in black or in scarlet or in sombre grey； appear and disappear before our mortal eyes； but who can figure out the tapestry that they help to weave？ That picture lies beyond our ken or even our imagining。
The insect sees more than the worm； the snake more than the insect； the dog more than the snake； and the man； erect in his pride； more than all of them。 But how much does the man see of the whole great universe； or even of this little earth？
To the best of my belief I answered my father’s letter； which I think I destroyed upon the spot； very briefly； saying that I had abandoned my idea of ing home。 Apparently this letter was not preserved。 One remains； however； which appears to allude to the subject； and from it I quote some extracts。
Government House；
Pretoria； Transvaal： June 1； 1877。
My dear Father； — I have to acknowledge your two letters dated respectively 27th March and the 4th April。 I do not think that it will be of any good to dwell any more on what is to me； in some ways at least； a rather painful subject 。 。 。 。
I received today my letter of appointment as English Clerk to the Colonial Secretary’s Office with a salary of 250 pounds per annum。 I have not yet got my appointment as Clerk to the Executive Council； which will be worth nominally 100 pounds per annum； but in reality only 50 pounds。 It was to have been gazetted tomorrow with the other； but the Chief thought it better to wait。 However； unless something occurs； I shall get it before long； as soon as there is an Executive to be Clerk to。 The reason that 50 pounds is to be knocked off is that it is not desirable to give offence by making my pay higher than that of any other clerk in the service； and though virtually I shall stand first on the list； it is thought better that I should not be nominally either under or over the one or ty position as “English Clerk” will be a perfectly independent one。 The English work of the office will be in my hands； and as it now far more than equals the Dutch and will increase day by day； of course it is the most important part of the business and will soon swamp the other。
The reason of the delay in my appointment is that there has been a difference of opinion about it between the Chief and Mr。 Osborn； who is to be Colonial Secretary and consequently my Head of Department and； under the Governor； of the whole service。 The Chief wished me to stop on with him as Despatch Clerk with the same salary； and Obsorn wanted me in his office。 In the end they promised it： my appointment is made out as above； and when I am wanted at Government House I am to go there。 On the whole I would rather have it as it is； for the work will be more interesting though harder； and the position； on the whole； better。
So much for the appointment itself； now as regards its future probable or possible results。 。 。 。 It is far better to take service here than in Natal。 In five years Natal will be to this country what Ireland is to England。 To begin with； the Transvaal is more than six times its size。 If the Transvaal at all realises what is expected of it； it will before long； with its natural wealth and splendid climate； be one of the most splendid foreign possessions of the British Crown； and if as is probable gold is discovered in large quantities； it may take a sudden rush forward； and then one will be borne up with it。 So that whatever happens I think that I shall always do pretty well here。 However； my aim is of course to rise to the position of a Colonial Governor； and to do that I must trust to good fortune and my interest。 I may； or I may not； according to circumstances。 At any rate I have now got my foot on the first rung of the Colonial ladder； and D。V。 I intend to climb it。 Whether I have done better than I should have done by first reading for the Bar I do not know： there is much to be said on both sides。 The great thing is that I am now independent and shall； I hope； put you to no more expense or trouble； of both of which I am afraid I have given you too much already。
This brings me to the subject of money。 I am very sorry to see from your letter that I have overdrawn to the amount of 25 pounds。 I must have miscalculated； as I was under the impression that sum made up the 200 pounds。 I believe however that if you think it over you will not consider that I have been very extravagant。 You always calculated that the 200 pounds would last two years； and it is nearly two years since I left England （if I remember right it was this very day two years ago that I decided to e to Natal）。 I have had to draw more lately； owing to the heavy expenses I have had to meet in connection with this Mission。 Horses； arms and servants cannot be had for nothing； and I had to provide myself with all。 If I get any pay for this business that will at all enable me to do so I hope that you will allow me to remit the 25 pounds。 If not I fear I shall have to draw on you once more for 20 pounds in order to meet some debts which I must pay before the month is up in connection with the transhipping of my baggage to Cape Town and back； etc。 I shall be very sorry to put you to that expense； my dear Father； but I trust that it will be the last time I shall ever have to do so。 As to pay for this business； I live in hope。 I rather fear that the Chief may consider that the fact of accepting service under this Government may cancel all past debts； but still I shall have a shot for it。
June 5； 1877。
My dear Father； — I thanked the Chief the other day for the appointment； and he told me that he hoped it would be a good deal better soon； but that he was not sufficiently firm in his seat yet to make big appointments。
I don’t at all know how I am going to live here； and I fear that I shall be obliged to build a house。 Mr。 Osborn gave me a hint the other day that I should be wele to a room in his house when he gets settled。 He has not got a house yet： there are none to get。 The probabilities are that I shall
