the days of my life-第71章

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ration　from　my　family。　Thus　it　will　necessitate　the　partial　shutting　down　of　my　home　here；　and　how　I　am　to　carry　on　my　literary　work　in　the　intervals　of　so　much　public　labour；　really　I　do　not　know！　I　felt；　as　did　my　wife；　and　still　feel　that　such　considerations　should　not　be　allowed　to　interfere　with　the　execution　of　what　I　look　upon　as　a　high　and　honourable　duty。
Subsequently　I　had　a　long　interview　with　Mr。　Harcourt；　in　the　course　of　which　we　discussed　matters　connected　with　the　mission　and　other　things。　He　struck　me　as　a　singularly　able　and　agreeable　man；　quite　unlike　his　father；　Sir　William　Harcourt；　whom　also　I　used　to　know；　and　yet　in　a　way　resembling　him。　It　seems　an　odd　thing　to　say；　but　I　thought　the　tone　of　his　mind　very　conservative；　and　before　I　left　him　found　myself　wondering　how　it　came　about　that　one　who　is　so　very　much　an　English　gentleman；　in　the　old　and　best　sense　of　the　word；　and　an　aristocrat；　finds　it　easy　to　rub　political　shoulders　with　certain　members　of　the　present　Radical　party；　who　hate　English　gentlemen　and　aristocrats。
The　same　remark　applies　to　Sir　Edward　Grey　and　to　some　others。　I　suppose　the　truth　is　that　nowadays　those　who　elect　to　lie　down　between　the　somewhat　gamey　party　blankets　must　expect　queer　bedfellows。　One　wonders　which　set　in　the　end　will　thrust　the　other　out　of　that　uneasy　couch。　Though　the　mass　of　the　congregation　may　change；　most　of　us　continue　to　worship　in　the　Church　into　which　we　were　baptised　—　yes；　even　if　its　priests　from　time　to　time　give　new　renderings　to　some　of　the　ancient　doctrines。　That　is　human　nature；　and　the　simile　suggests　a　key　to　the　puzzle。
Before　leaving　the　subject　of　my　new　appointment；　I　may　mention　a　curious　little　circumstance　in　connection　with　this　Dominions　Royal　mission。
The　notice　of　the　first　meeting　informed　me　that　it　was　to　sit　in　a　room；　numbered　so…and…so；　at　the　great　public　building　known　as　Scotland　House。　When　I　arrived　there　at　the　appointed　time　I　asked　the　porter；　who　is　an　old　friend　of　mine；　which　that　room　might　be。
“Why；　sir；”　he　said；　“the　same　in　which　you　have　been　sitting　for　years。”
So　there　I　found　myself　in　that　identical　chamber；　with　the　identical　noise　from　the　Embankment　outside；　and　the　identical　electric　fan　creaking　away　over　the　door。　But；　here　came　the　difference：　everybody　in　it　was　changed；　down　to　the　messenger　boy；　and　none　of　those　gathered　there　even　knew　a　single　creature　with　whom　I　had　been　associated　in　that　place　for　so　long　a　period　of　time。　It　was　like　arising　from　the　dead　into　the　midst　of　a　new　generation。　For　a　few　minutes　it　made　me　feel　very　lonely　as　I　looked　up　to　find　fresh　faces　in　place　of　the　old　familiar　ones　that　now　were　gone；　two　of　them　for　ever。　Nor　was　this　sensation　lessened　when；　in　an　adjoining　office；　I　saw　the　unclaimed　despatch…box　of　one　of　my　former　colleagues　who　is　now　dead。
In　the　beginning　of　the　present　year　I　paid　another　visit　to　Egypt　in　the　hope　of　shaking　off　my　bronchitis；　which　I　did　—　until　I　got　back　to　England；　a　country　in　which　I　am　rather　doubtful　whether　I　shall　ever　be　able　to　winter　again。　On　this　occasion　my　daughter　Angela　and　I　examined　the　mummy　of　the　Pharaoh　Meneptah；　which　Sir　Gaston　Maspero　kindly　caused　to　be　removed　to　a　private　room　for　our　inspection。　It　was　a　strange　thing　to　look　upon　the　tall　form　and　the　withered　countenance　of　the　man　who　is　generally　believed　to　have　been　the　Pharaoh　of　the　Exodus；　that　majesty　before　whom；　perhaps；　Moses　stood；　and　to　think　that　that　frozen　countenance　—　it　is　a　very　impressive　countenance　still　—　may　have　trembled　and　sunk　in　at　the　announcement　of　the　judgments　of　the　great　God　of　the　Israelites。　One　thing　is　clear；　however：　he　was　not　drowned。　Meneptah　died　in　old　age　from　ossification　of　the　arteries；　there　still　lies　the　lime　about　the　heart　of　Pharaoh　—　which　it　pleased　God　to　harden！
Many　question　the　whole　Exodus　story　because　there　is　no　mention　of　it　in　the　contemporary　Egyptian　records。　Personally；　however；　I　believe　it　to　be　true　in　its　main　outlines；　and　that　a　large　body　of　Semites　did　break　away　from　Egypt　about　this　period；　although　it　did　not　suit　the　official　scribes　to　make　any　mention　of　the　event　with　its　very　unpleasant　happenings。　One　day　I　hope　to　write　a　romance　of　the　time；　hence　my　particular　interest　in　Meneptah　and　in　his　son　and　heir；　Seti　II。
On　my　return　to　England　I　set　to　work　to　write　a　romance　in　the　neain　series。　The　first　of　these　books；　“Marie；”　which　is　dedicated　to　my　old　chief；　Sir　Henry　Bulwer；　has；　I　am　glad　to　say；　been　much　liked　by　its　readers　and；　up　to　the　present；　proved　successful。　Of　course；　however；　when　I　speak　of　success；　I　mean　on　the　moderate　scale　to　which　I　can　hope　to　attain。
No　doubt；　however；　by　degrees　as　a　writer　I　shall　be　put　upon　the　shelf；　for　that　is　the　lot　of　all　or　nearly　all　of　us　when　we　grow　old。　I　cannot　look　forward　to　any　prosperous　period　in　my　old　age；　which；　should　I　chance　to　live　so　long；　it　seems　to　me　probable　enough　I　shall　be　called　upon　to　pass　in　a　very　modest　way。　As；　however；　I　have　been　able　to　provide　well　for　any　who　may　e　after　me；　at　this　I　do　not　grumble　in　the　least。　I　have　earned　a　good　average　ine　as　an　author　during　many　years；　and　perhaps　I　ought　to　have　saved　more。　But　investments　are　apt　to　turn　out　badly　when　the　investor　has　no　time　to　attend　to　them；　moreover；　as　I　think　I　said　I　have　discovered；　it　is　certainly　true　that　man　does　not　“live　to　himself　alone。”　There　are　plenty　of　those　who　claim　to　share　in　whatever　he　may　earn。　The　owner　of　any　fixed　property　in　our　part　of　rural　England　is；　in　fact；　nothing　but　a　distributor。　In　wages；　taxes；　and　subscriptions　he　hands　out　nearly　all　that　he　receives；　except；　of　course；　the　worries；　the　losses；　the　clamorous　and　almost　savage　demands　for　money　that　e　by　every　post；　and　the　various　official　forms　that　he　is　required　to　fill　in。　These　too　often　are　all　his　portion；　and　therefore　it　is　that　I　have　determined　to　sell　every　acre　of　our　outlying　lands　if　they　will　reach　to　a　very　moderate　reserve　figure　on　the　open　market。
And　now　“I　have　spoken！”　as　the　Zulus　say。　I　fear　that　these　volumes　are　somewhat　egotistical　in　their　contents　and　tone；　but　how　can　that　be　helped？　An　autobiography　which　did　not　treat　at　length　of　the　person　concerned　would　be　but　an　apple　dumpling　without　the　apple。
There　is　much　more　that　I　might　have　said。　For　instance；　I；　who　am　now　preparing　to　start　upon　a　great　journey　to　the　Antipodes；　have　found　neither　the　time　nor　the　courage　even　to　look　through　my　letters　received　during　the　last　ten　or　twelve　years。　I　have　dealt　simply　with　those　salient　points　that　occurred　to　me　and　hunted；　not　always　with　success；　for　such　documents　as　might　bear　upon　them。　Thus；　a　very　amusing　and　perhaps　an　interesting　chapter　might　have　be　posed　out　of　the　correspondence　which　I　have　received　from　writers　who　are　personally　unknown　to　me。　Should　I　live　and　find　time；　strength；　and　opportunity；　I　may　add　another　volume　to　this　record　descriptive　of　my　impressions　of　the　British　Empire；　the　greater　portion　of　which　I　am　about　to　visit。　But　who　knows　the　future　and　its　gifts？
So　ends　the　chronicle　of　Henry　Rider　Haggard　—　a　lover　of　the　kindly　race　of　men；　a　lover　of　children；　a　lover　of　his　friends　（and　no　hater　of　his　enemies）；　a　lover　of　flowers；　a　lover　of　the　land　and　of　all　creatures　that　dwell　thereon；　but　most　of　all；　perhaps；　a　lover　of　his　country；　which；　with　heart　and　soul　and　strength；　he　has　tried　to　serve　to　the　best　of　his　small　powers　and　opportunities。　May　every　blessing　be　on　her　—　every　success　to　her　arms　by　land　and　sea；　and　every　splendour　on　her　ancient　name；　during　the　troublous　times　that　are　to　e！　Yes；　and　all　confusion　to　any　of　her　sons　who；　for　selfish　ends；　would　drag　her　down　to　wreck！　Such　is　his　earnest　prayer！
Thus　then；　poor　sinner　that　I　am；　trustfully　as　a　wearied　child　that；　at　the　ing　of　the　night；　creeps　to　its　mother’s　knee；　do　I　mit　my　spirit　to　the　fort　of　those　Everlasting　Arms　that　were　and　are　its　support　through　all　the　fears　of　earth　and；　as　I　believe；　have　nursed　it　from　of　old！
One　boon；　from　infancy　to　age；　has　been　showered　upon　me　in　a　strange　abundance；　pressed　down　and　running　over　—　the　uncountable；　peculiar　treasure　of　every　degree　and　form　of　human　love；　which　love　alone；　present　or　departed；　has　made　my　life　worth　living。
But　if　it　is　all　to　cease　and　be　forgotten　at　the　borders　of　the　grave；　then　life　is　not　worth　living。　Such；　however；　is　no　faith　of　mine。
Farewell！
H。　Rider　Haggard。
Ditchingham：　September　25；　1912。
Chapter　23　A　NOTE　ON　RELIGION
S。S。　Arcadia；　December　16；　1912。　（Off　Aden。）
It　has　occurred　to　me　that　the　views　on　the　matter　of　religion　of　a　person　of　my　day　with　such　experiences　as　this　work　records　may　prove　of　interest　to　some　of　those　who　e　after　me；　and　possibly；　here　and　there；　of　help。　So　I　add　them　to　this　book　as　a　footnote　which　none　need　read　unless　they　wish。
First　I　should　state　that　I　am　not　a　theologian。　Theology　is　a　science　that　has　no　attraction　for　me。　In　this　great　question　of　our　future　life　or　death　I　find　no　place　for　subtleties　in　which　many　take　so　much　delight。　Such　is　the　constitution　of　my　mind。　The　fine　divisions　of　a　creed；　the　bitterness　that　rages　between　High　Church　and　Low；　for　instance；　awake　in　my　heart　neither　sympathy　nor　echo。　What　are　vestments　or　ritual　when　eternal　life　or　death　and　salvation　are　at　stake？　Even　the　great　gulf　fixed　between　Anglican　and　Roman　Catholic　is　to　me　narrow。　I　was　bred；　and　doubtless　shall　to　the　end　remain；　a　member　of　the　Church　of　England。　But；　on　the　other　hand；　I　have　a　great　admiration　for　many　parts　of　the　Roman　precept　and　practice。　Its　discipline　seems　to　me　beyond　praise；　the　support　it　gives　to　the　individual　struggling　and　affrighted　soul　shows　deep　understanding　of　the　eternal　needs　of　human　nature；　while　who　can　be　blind　to　the　abnegation　of　self　evinced　in　the　practice　of　celibacy　by　its　devoted　priesthood；　resulting；　as　it　does；　in　an　enormous　gain　to　its　efficiency　as　a　Church？
Further；　within　limits　that　I　need　not　discuss；　personally　I　think　the　virtue　of　Confession　which　it　inculcates　great；　since　thereby　is　brought　the　whole　weight；　wisdom　and　merit　of　the　Church　to　the　aid　of　the　particular　case。　I　am　aware　that　Confession　is　allowed　to　Anglicans　and　even；　in　a　sense；　enjoined　upon　them。　But　by　how　many　is　the　rite　employed？　And　why　is　it　not　employed？　The　question　may　be　answered　by　another。　Who　wishes　to　make　confessions　of　his　failings　—　to　lay　bare　that　wonderful　and　sometimes　awful　thing；　the　secret　soul　of　man；　to　Mrs。　Rector　or　Mrs。　Archdeacon；　or　even　to　a　selection　of　the　father　confessor’s　brothers　and　priests？　It　may　be　retorted；　not　without　indignation；　that　such　a　thing　would　not　happen。　Perhaps。　Yet　the　average　man　feels　a　risk　which　he　will　not　face。　Many　of　us　have　known　worthy　but　much　married　clergymen　whose　conjugal　confidences　are　famous。　In　consequence；　rightly　or　wrongly；　other　confidences　are　withheld　from　them；　and　with　the　abolition　of　a　one…doctrined；　properly　controlled；　responsible　and　non…amateur　celibate　priesthood；　Confession　has　gone　out　of　fashion。　This；　however；　is　by　the　way。
The　trouble　about　the　Roman　Church　is　not　only　its　notorious　intolerance　and　bigotry；　of　which　history　tells；　but　the　fact　that　some　of　the　doctrines；　as　I　understand　them；　are　not　to　be　found　in　the　New　Testament；　which　after　all　is　the　Christian’s　only　charter。　Since　the　Scriptures　are　of　no　private　interpretation　what　is　not　written　there　is；　so　far　as　they　are　concerned；　presumably　non…existent。　It　is　this　truth　that　keeps　so　many　from　the　gates　of　Rome。　Perhaps　in　some　day　to　e　she　will　modify　her　attitude　in　certain　directions；　as　we　may　modify　ours；　and　the　two　greatest　divisions　of　the　Church　of　Christ　will　draw　together　again。　I　trust　and　pray　that　this　may　be　so　and　that　thus　an　united　front　may　be　presented　to　the　evil　that　is　in　the　world；　which　lessens　little；　if　at　all；　with　the　passage　of　the　ages。
In　the　same　way　that　I　admire　and　respect　the　Roman　Church　do　I　admire　and　respect　a　Body　which　stands　at　the　other　religious　pole　—　I　refer　to　the　Salvation　Army。　But　this　Body；　splendid　as　is　its　work；　makes　what　I　consider　the　mistake　of　omitting　the　use　of　the　Sacraments　which　seem　to　me　to　be　clearly　enjoined　by　the　New　Testament。　As　the　Roman　Church　elaborates　the　sum　total　of　the　corpus　of　our　faith；　so　the　Salvation　Army　deducts　from　that　sum。　But　it　has　been　explained　to　me　that　the　late　General　Booth　did　this　of　set　purpose；　because　he　did　not　think　that　the　people　with　whom　he　had　to　deal　understood　the　Sacraments。
I　do　but　quote　these　two　extremes；　however；　each　of　which　I　think　so　admirable　in　its　own　fashion；　as　evidence　of　the　statement　with　which　I　opened　these　remarks；　to　the　effect　that　whatever　I　may　or　may　not　be；　I　am　no　bigot。　Now　I　will　try　to　show　why　I　believe　in　the　simple　and　unadulterated　doctrines　of　Christianity　as　these　appear　within　the　four　corners　of　the　New　Testament　and　are　preached　by　the　Church　to　which　I　belong。
There　are；　of　course；　many　varieties　of　what　is　known　as　Faith。　There　is；　for　instance；　the　unquestioning　Faith　which　many　profess　because　it　is　there；　because　they　inherited　or　were　taught　it　in　childhood。