简爱(英文版)-第10章

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deeply；　like　Felix；　I　put　it　off　to　a　more　convenient　season。
“You　say　you　have　faults；　Helen：　what　are　they？　To　me　you　seem　very　good。”
“Then　learn　from　me；　not　to　judge　by　appearances：　I　am；　as　Miss　Scatcherd　said；　slatternly；　I　seldom　put；　and　never　keep；　things；　in　order；　I　am　careless；　I　forget　rules；　I　read　when　I　should　learn　my　lessons；　I　have　no　method；　and　sometimes　I　say；　like　you；　I　cannot　bear　to　be　subjected　to　systematic　arrangements。　This　is　all　very　provoking　to　Miss　Scatcherd；　who　is　naturally　neat；　punctual；　and　particular。”
“And　cross　and　cruel；”　I　added；　but　Helen　Burns　would　not　admit　my　addition：　she　kept　silence。
“Is　Miss　Temple　as　severe　to　you　as　Miss　Scatcherd？”
At　the　utterance　of　Miss　Temple’s　name；　a　soft　smile　flitted　over　her　grave　face。
“Miss　Temple　is　full　of　goodness；　it　pains　her　to　be　severe　to　any　one；　even　the　worst　in　the　school：　she　sees　my　errors；　and　tells　me　of　them　gently；　and；　if　I　do　anything　worthy　of　praise；　she　gives　me　my　meed　liberally。　One　strong　proof　of　my　wretchedly　defective　nature　is；　that　even　her　expostulations；　so　mild；　so　rational；　have　not　influence　to　cure　me　of　my　faults；　and　even　her　praise；　though　I　value　it　most　highly；　cannot　stimulate　me　to　continued　care　and　foresight。”
“That　is　curious；”　said　I；　“it　is　so　easy　to　be　careful。”
“For　you　I　have　no　doubt　it　is。　I　observed　you　in　your　class　this　morning；　and　saw　you　were　closely　attentive：　your　thoughts　never　seemed　to　wander　while　Miss　Miller　explained　the　lesson　and　questioned　you。　Now；　mine　continually　rove　away；　when　I　should　be　listening　to　Miss　Scatcherd；　and　collecting　all　she　says　with　assiduity；　often　I　lose　the　very　sound　of　her　voice；　I　fall　into　a　sort　of　dream。　Sometimes　I　think　I　am　in　Northumberland；　and　that　the　noises　I　hear　round　me　are　the　bubbling　of　a　little　brook　which　runs　through　Deepden；　near　our　house；—then；　when　it　es　to　my　turn　to　reply；　I　have　to　be　awakened；　and　having　heard　nothing　of　what　was　read　for　listening　to　the　visionary　brook；　I　have　no　answer　ready。”
“Yet　how　well　you　replied　this　afternoon。”
“It　was　mere　chance；　the　subject　on　which　we　had　been　reading　had　interested　me。　This　afternoon；　instead　of　dreaming　of　Deepden；　I　was　wondering　how　a　man　who　wished　to　do　right　could　act　so　unjustly　and　unwisely　as　Charles　the　First　sometimes　did；　and　I　thought　what　a　pity　it　was　that；　with　his　integrity　and　conscientiousness；　he　could　see　no　farther　than　the　prerogatives　of　the　crown。　If　he　had　but　been　able　to　look　to　a　distance；　and　see　how　what　they　call　the　spirit　of　the　age　was　tending！　Still；　I　like　Charles—I　respect　him—I　pity　him；　poor　murdered　king！　Yes；　his　enemies　were　the　worst：　they　shed　blood　they　had　no　right　to　shed。　How　dared　they　kill　him！”
Helen　was　talking　to　herself　now：　she　had　forgotten　I　could　not　very　well　understand　her—that　I　was　ignorant；　or　nearly　so；　of　the　subject　she　discussed。　I　recalled　her　to　my　level。
“And　when　Miss　Temple　teaches　you；　do　your　thoughts　wander　then？”
“No；　certainly；　not　often；　because　Miss　Temple　has　generally　something　to　say　which　is　newer　than　my　own　reflections；　her　language　is　singularly　agreeable　to　me；　and　the　information　she　municates　is　often　just　what　I　wished　to　gain。”
“Well；　then；　with　Miss　Temple　you　are　good？”
“Yes；　in　a　passive　way：　I　make　no　effort；　I　follow　as　inclination　guides　me。　There　is　no　merit　in　such　goodness。”
“A　great　deal：　you　are　good　to　those　who　are　good　to　you。　It　is　all　I　ever　desire　to　be。　If　people　were　always　kind　and　obedient　to　those　who　are　cruel　and　unjust；　the　wicked　people　would　have　it　all　their　own　way：　they　would　never　feel　afraid；　and　so　they　would　never　alter；　but　would　grow　worse　and　worse。　When　we　are　struck　at　without　a　reason；　we　should　strike　back　again　very　hard；　I　am　sure　we　should—so　hard　as　to　teach　the　person　who　struck　us　never　to　do　it　again。”
“You　will　change　your　mind；　I　hope；　when　you　grow　older：　as　yet　you　are　but　a　little　untaught　girl。”
“But　I　feel　this；　Helen；　I　must　dislike　those　who；　whatever　I　do　to　please　them；　persist　in　disliking　me；　I　must　resist　those　who　punish　me　unjustly。　It　is　as　natural　as　that　I　should　love　those　who　show　me　affection；　or　submit　to　punishment　when　I　feel　it　is　deserved。”
“Heathens　and　savage　tribes　hold　that　doctrine；　but　Christians　and　civilised　nations　disown　it。”
“How？　I　don’t　understand。”
“It　is　not　violence　that　best　overes　hate—nor　vengeance　that　most　certainly　heals　injury。”
“What　then？”
“Read　the　New　Testament；　and　observe　what　Christ　says；　and　how　He　acts；　make　His　word　your　rule；　and　His　conduct　your　example。”
“What　does　He　say？”
“Love　your　enemies；　bless　them　that　curse　you；　do　good　to　them　that　hate　you　and　despitefully　use　you。”
“Then　I　should　love　Mrs。　Reed；　which　I　cannot　do；　I　should　bless　her　son　John；　which　is　impossible。”
In　her　turn；　Helen　Burns　asked　me　to　explain；　and　I　proceeded　forthwith　to　pour　out；　in　my　own　way；　the　tale　of　my　sufferings　and　resentments。　Bitter　and　truculent　when　excited；　I　spoke　as　I　felt；　without　reserve　or　softening。
Helen　heard　me　patiently　to　the　end：　I　expected　she　would　then　make　a　remark；　but　she　said　nothing。
“Well；”　I　asked　impatiently；　“is　not　Mrs。　Reed　a　hard…hearted；　bad　woman？”
“She　has　been　unkind　to　you；　no　doubt；　because　you　see；　she　dislikes　your　cast　of　character；　as　Miss　Scatcherd　does　mine；　but　how　minutely　you　remember　all　she　has　done　and　said　to　you！　What　a　singularly　deep　impression　her　injustice　seems　to　have　made　on　your　heart！　No　ill…usage　so　brands　its　record　on　my　feelings。　Would　you　not　be　happier　if　you　tried　to　forget　her　severity；　together　with　the　passionate　emotions　it　excited？　Life　appears　to　me　too　short　to　be　spent　in　nursing　animosity　or　registering　wrongs。　We　are；　and　must　be；　one　and　all；　burdened　with　faults　in　this　world：　but　the　time　will　soon　e　when；　I　trust；　we　shall　put　them　off　in　putting　off　our　corruptible　bodies；　when　debasement　and　sin　will　fall　from　us　with　this　cumbrous　frame　of　flesh；　and　only　the　spark　of　the　spirit　will　remain；—the　impalpable　principle　of　light　and　thought；　pure　as　when　it　left　the　Creator　to　inspire　the　creature：　whence　it　came　it　will　return；　perhaps　again　to　be　municated　to　some　being　higher　than　man—perhaps　to　pass　through　gradations　of　glory；　from　the　pale　human　soul　to　brighten　to　the　seraph！　Surely　it　will　never；　on　the　contrary；　be　suffered　to　degenerate　from　man　to　fiend？　No；　I　cannot　believe　that：　I　hold　another　creed：　which　no　one　ever　taught　me；　and　which　I　seldom　mention；　but　in　which　I　delight；　and　to　which　I　cling：　for　it　extends　hope　to　all：　it　makes　Eternity　a　rest—a　mighty　home；　not　a　terror　and　an　abyss。　Besides；　with　this　creed；　I　can　so　clearly　distinguish　between　the　criminal　and　his　crime；　I　can　so　sincerely　forgive　the　first　while　I　abhor　the　last：　with　this　creed　revenge　never　worries　my　heart；　degradation　never　too　deeply　disgusts　me；　injustice　never　crushes　me　too　low：　I　live　in　calm；　looking　to　the　end。”
Helen’s　head；　always　drooping；　sank　a　little　lower　as　she　finished　this　sentence。　I　saw　by　her　look　she　wished　no　longer　to　talk　to　me；　but　rather　to　converse　with　her　own　thoughts。　She　was　not　allowed　much　time　for　meditation：　a　monitor；　a　great　rough　girl；　presently　came　up；　exclaiming　in　a　strong　Cumberland　accent—
“Helen　Burns；　if　you　don’t　go　and　put　your　drawer　in　order；　and　fold　up　your　work　this　minute；　I’ll　tell　Miss　Scatcherd　to　e　and　look　at　it！”
Helen　sighed　as　her　reverie　fled；　and　getting　up；　obeyed　the　monitor　without　reply　as　without　delay。
Chapter　7
My　first　quarter　at　Lowood　seemed　an　age；　and　not　the　golden　age　either；　it　prised　an　irksome　struggle　with　difficulties　in　habituating　myself　to　new　rules　and　unwonted　tasks。　The　fear　of　failure　in　these　points　harassed　me　worse　than　the　physical　hardships　of　my　lot；　though　these　were　no　trifles。
During　January；　February；　and　part　of　March；　the　deep　snows；　and；　after　their　melting；　the　almost　impassable　roads；　prevented　our　stirring　beyond　the　garden　walls；　except　to　go　to　church；　but　within　these　limits　we　had　to　pass　an　hour　every　day　in　the　open　air。　Our　clothing　was　insufficient　to　protect　us　from　the　severe　cold：　we　had　no　boots；　the　snow　got　into　our　shoes　and　melted　there：　our　ungloved　hands　became　numbed　and　covered　with　chilblains；　as　were　our　feet：　I　remember　well　the　distracting　irritation　I　endured　from　this　cause　every　evening；　when　my　feet　inflamed；　and　the　torture　of　thrusting　the　swelled；　raw；　and　stiff　toes　into　my　shoes　in　the　morning。　Then　the　scanty　supply　of　food　was　distressing：　with　the　keen　appetites　of　growing　children；　we　had　scarcely　sufficient　to　keep　alive　a　delicate　invalid。　From　this　deficiency　of　nourishment　resulted　an　abuse；　which　pressed　hardly　on　the　younger　pupils：　whenever　the　famished　great　girls　had　an　opportunity；　they　would　coax　or　menace　the　little　ones　out　of　their　portion。　Many　a　time　I　have　shared　between　two　claimants　the　precious　morsel　of　brown　bread　distributed　at　tea…time；　and　after　relinquishing　to　a　third　half　the　contents　of　my　mug　of　coffee；　I　have　swallowed　the　remainder　with　an　acpaniment　of　secret　tears；　forced　from　me　by　the　exigency　of　hunger。
Sundays　were　dreary　days　in　that　wintry　season。　We　had　to　walk　two　miles　to　Brocklebridge　Church；　where　our　patron　officiated。　We　set　out　cold；　we　arrived　at　church　colder：　during　the　morning　service　we　became　almost　paralysed。　It　was　too　far　to　return　to　dinner；　and　an　allowance　of　cold　meat　and　bread；　in　the　same　penurious　proportion　observed　in　our　ordinary　meals；　was　served　round　between　the　services。
At　the　close　of　the　afternoon　service　we　returned　by　an　exposed　and　hilly　road；　where　the　bitter　winter　wind；　blowing　over　a　range　of　snowy　summits　to　the　north；　almost　flayed　the　skin　from　our　faces。
I　can　remember　Miss　Temple　walking　lightly　and　rapidly　along　our　drooping　line；　her　plaid　cloak；　which　the　frosty　wind　fluttered；　gathered　close　about　her；　and　encouraging　us；　by　precept　and　example；　to　keep　up　our　spirits；　and　march　forward；　as　she　said；　“like　stalwart　soldiers。”　The　other　teachers；　poor　things；　were　generally　themselves　too　much　dejected　to　attempt　the　task　of　cheering　others。
How　we　longed　for　the　light　and　heat　of　a　blazing　fire　when　we　got　back！　But；　to　the　little　ones　at　least；　this　was　denied：　each　hearth　in　the　schoolroom　was　immediately　surrounded　by　a　double　row　of　great　girls；　and　behind　them　the　younger　children　crouched　in　groups；　wrapping　their　starved　arms　in　their　pinafores。
A　little　solace　came　at　tea…time；　in　the　shape　of　a　double　ration　of　bread—a　whole；　instead　of　a　half；　slice—with　the　delicious　addition　of　a　thin　scrape　of　butter：　it　was　the　hebdomadal　treat　to　which　we　all　looked　forward　from　Sabbath　to　Sabbath。　I　generally　contrived　to　reserve　a　moiety　of　this　bounteous　repast　for　myself；　but　the　remainder　I　was　invariably　obliged　to　part　with。
The　Sunday　evening　was　spent　in　repeating；　by　heart；　the　Church　Catechism；　and　the　fifth；　sixth；　and　seventh　chapters　of　St。　Matthew；　and　in　listening　to　a　long　sermon；　read　by　Miss　Miller；　whose　irrepressible　yawns　attested　her　weariness。　A　frequent　interlude　of　these　performances　was　the　enactment　of　the　part　of　Eutychus　by　some　half…dozen　of　little　girls；　who；　overpowered　with　sleep；　would　fall　down；　if　not　out　of　the　third　loft；　yet　off　the　fourth　form；　and　be　taken　up　half　dead。　The　remedy　was；　to　thrust　them　forward　into　the　centre　of　the　schoolroom；　and　oblige　them　to　stand　there　till　the　sermon　was　finished。　Sometimes　their　feet　failed　them；　and　they　sank　together　in　a　heap；　they　were　then　propped　up　with　the　monitors’　high　stools。
I　have　not　yet　alluded　to　the　visits　of　Mr。　Brocklehurst；　and　indeed　that　gentleman　was　from　home　during　the　greater　part　of　the　first　month　after　my　arrival；　perhaps　prolonging　his　stay　with　his　friend　the　archdeacon：　his　absence　was　a　relief　to　me。　I　need　not　say　that　I　had　my　own　reasons　for　dreading　his　ing：　but　e　he　did　at　last。
One　afternoon　（I　had　then　been　three　weeks　at　Lowood）；　as　I　was　sitting　with　a　slate　in　my　hand；　puzzling　over　a　sum　in　long　division；　my　eyes；　raised　in　abstraction　to　the　window；　caught　sight　of　a　figure　just　passing：　I　recognised　almost　instinctively　that　gaunt　outline；　and　when；　two　minutes　after；　all　the　school；　teachers　included；　rose　en　masse；　it　was　not　necessary　for　me　to　look　up　in　order　to　ascertain　whose　entrance　they　thus　greeted。　A　long　stride　measured　the　schoolroom；　and　presently　beside　Miss　Temple；　who　herself　had　risen；　stood　the　same　black　column　which　had　frowned　on　me　so　ominously　from　the　hearthrug　of　Gateshead。　I　now　glanced　sideways　at　this　piece　of　architecture。　Yes；　I　was　right：　it　was　Mr。　Brocklehurst；　buttoned　up　in　a　surtout；　and　looking　longer；　narrower；　and　more　rigid　than　ever。
I　had　my　own　reasons　for　being　dismayed　at　this　apparition；　too　well　I　remembered　the　perfidious　hints　given　by　Mrs。　Reed　about　my　disposition；　&c。；　the　promise　pledged　by　Mr。　Brocklehurst　to　apprise　Miss　Temple　and　the　teachers　of　my　vicious　nature。　All　along　I　had　been　dreading　the　fulfilment　of　this　promise；—I　had　been　looking　out　daily　for　the　“ing　Man；”　whose　information　respecting　my　past　life　and　conversation　was　to　brand　me　as　a　bad　child　for　ever：　now　there　he　was。
He　stood　a