简爱(英文版)-第15章

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　taken　with　her　the　serene　atmosphere　I　had　been　breathing　in　her　vicinity—and　that　now　I　was　left　in　my　natural　element；　and　beginning　to　feel　the　stirring　of　old　emotions。　It　did　not　seem　as　if　a　prop　were　withdrawn；　but　rather　as　if　a　motive　were　gone：　it　was　not　the　power　to　be　tranquil　which　had　failed　me；　but　the　reason　for　tranquillity　was　no　more。　My　world　had　for　some　years　been　in　Lowood：　my　experience　had　been　of　its　rules　and　systems；　now　I　remembered　that　the　real　world　was　wide；　and　that　a　varied　field　of　hopes　and　fears；　of　sensations　and　excitements；　awaited　those　who　had　courage　to　go　forth　into　its　expanse；　to　seek　real　knowledge　of　life　amidst　its　perils。
I　went　to　my　window；　opened　it；　and　looked　out。　There　were　the　two　wings　of　the　building；　there　was　the　garden；　there　were　the　skirts　of　Lowood；　there　was　the　hilly　horizon。　My　eye　passed　all　other　objects　to　rest　on　those　most　remote；　the　blue　peaks；　it　was　those　I　longed　to　surmount；　all　within　their　boundary　of　rock　and　heath　seemed　prison…ground；　exile　limits。　I　traced　the　white　road　winding　round　the　base　of　one　mountain；　and　vanishing　in　a　gorge　between　two；　how　I　longed　to　follow　it　farther！　I　recalled　the　time　when　I　had　travelled　that　very　road　in　a　coach；　I　remembered　descending　that　hill　at　twilight；　an　age　seemed　to　have　elapsed　since　the　day　which　brought　me　first　to　Lowood；　and　I　had　never　quitted　it　since。　My　vacations　had　all　been　spent　at　school：　Mrs。　Reed　had　never　sent　for　me　to　Gateshead；　neither　she　nor　any　of　her　family　had　ever　been　to　visit　me。　I　had　had　no　munication　by　letter　or　message　with　the　outer　world：　school…rules；　school…duties；　school…habits　and　notions；　and　voices；　and　faces；　and　phrases；　and　costumes；　and　preferences；　and　antipathies—such　was　what　I　knew　of　existence。　And　now　I　felt　that　it　was　not　enough；　I　tired　of　the　routine　of　eight　years　in　one　afternoon。　I　desired　liberty；　for　liberty　I　gasped；　for　liberty　I　uttered　a　prayer；　it　seemed　scattered　on　the　wind　then　faintly　blowing。　I　abandoned　it　and　framed　a　humbler　supplication；　for　change；　stimulus：　that　petition；　too；　seemed　swept　off　into　vague　space：　“Then；”　I　cried；　half　desperate；　“grant　me　at　least　a　new　servitude！”
Here　a　bell；　ringing　the　hour　of　supper；　called　me　downstairs。
I　was　not　free　to　resume　the　interrupted　chain　of　my　reflections　till　bedtime：　even　then　a　teacher　who　occupied　the　same　room　with　me　kept　me　from　the　subject　to　which　I　longed　to　recur；　by　a　prolonged　effusion　of　small　talk。　How　I　wished　sleep　would　silence　her。　It　seemed　as　if；　could　I　but　go　back　to　the　idea　which　had　last　entered　my　mind　as　I　stood　at　the　window；　some　inventive　suggestion　would　rise　for　my　relief。
Miss　Gryce　snored　at　last；　she　was　a　heavy　Welshwoman；　and　till　now　her　habitual　nasal　strains　had　never　been　regarded　by　me　in　any　other　light　than　as　a　nuisance；　to…night　I　hailed　the　first　deep　notes　with　satisfaction；　I　was　debarrassed　of　interruption；　my　half…　effaced　thought　instantly　revived。
“A　new　servitude！　There　is　something　in　that；”　I　soliloquised　（mentally；　be　it　understood；　I　did　not　talk　aloud）；　“I　know　there　is；　because　it　does　not　sound　too　sweet；　it　is　not　like　such　words　as　Liberty；　Excitement；　Enjoyment：　delightful　sounds　truly；　but　no　more　than　sounds　for　me；　and　so　hollow　and　fleeting　that　it　is　mere　waste　of　time　to　listen　to　them。　But　Servitude！　That　must　be　matter　of　fact。　Any　one　may　serve：　I　have　served　here　eight　years；　now　all　I　want　is　to　serve　elsewhere。　Can　I　not　get　so　much　of　my　own　will？　Is　not　the　thing　feasible？　Yes—yes—the　end　is　not　so　difficult；　if　I　had　only　a　brain　active　enough　to　ferret　out　the　means　of　attaining　it。”
I　sat　up　in　bed　by　way　of　arousing　this　said　brain：　it　was　a　chilly　night；　I　covered　my　shoulders　with　a　shawl；　and　then　I　proceeded　TO　think　again　with　all　my　might。
“What　do　I　want？　A　new　place；　in　a　new　house；　amongst　new　faces；　under　new　circumstances：　I　want　this　because　it　is　of　no　use　wanting　anything　better。　How　do　people　do　to　get　a　new　place？　They　apply　to　friends；　I　suppose：　I　have　no　friends。　There　are　many　others　who　have　no　friends；　who　must　look　about　for　themselves　and　be　their　own　helpers；　and　what　is　their　resource？”
I　could　not　tell：　nothing　answered　me；　I　then　ordered　my　brain　to　find　a　response；　and　quickly。　It　worked　and　worked　faster：　I　felt　the　pulses　throb　in　my　head　and　temples；　but　for　nearly　an　hour　it　worked　in　chaos；　and　no　result　came　of　its　efforts。　Feverish　with　vain　labour；　I　got　up　and　took　a　turn　in　the　room；　undrew　the　curtain；　noted　a　star　or　two；　shivered　with　cold；　and　again　crept　to　bed。
A　kind　fairy；　in　my　absence；　had　surely　dropped　the　required　suggestion　on　my　pillow；　for　as　I　lay　down；　it　came　quietly　and　naturally　to　my　mind。—“Those　who　want　situations　advertise；　you　must　advertise　in　the—shire　Herald。”
“How？　I　know　nothing　about　advertising。”
Replies　rose　smooth　and　prompt　now：—
“You　must　enclose　the　advertisement　and　the　money　to　pay　for　it　under　a　cover　directed　to　the　editor　of　the　Herald；　you　must　put　it；　the　first　opportunity　you　have；　into　the　post　at　Lowton；　answers　must　be　addressed　to　J。E。；　at　the　post…office　there；　you　can　go　and　inquire　in　about　a　week　after　you　send　your　letter；　if　any　are　e；　and　act　accordingly。”
This　scheme　I　went　over　twice；　thrice；　it　was　then　digested　in　my　mind；　I　had　it　in　a　clear　practical　form：　I　felt　satisfied；　and　fell　asleep。
With　earliest　day；　I　was　up：　I　had　my　advertisement　written；　enclosed；　and　directed　before　the　bell　rang　to　rouse　the　school；　it　ran　thus：—
“A　young　lady　accustomed　to　tuition”　（had　I　not　been　a　teacher　two　years？）　“is　desirous　of　meeting　with　a　situation　in　a　private　family　where　the　children　are　under　fourteen　（I　thought　that　as　I　was　barely　eighteen；　it　would　not　do　to　undertake　the　guidance　of　pupils　nearer　my　own　age）。　She　is　qualified　to　teach　the　usual　branches　of　a　good　English　education；　together　with　French；　Drawing；　and　Music”　（in　those　days；　reader；　this　now　narrow　catalogue　of　acplishments；　would　have　been　held　tolerably　prehensive）。　“Address；　J。E。；　Post…office；　Lowton；—shire。”
This　document　remained　locked　in　my　drawer　all　day：　after　tea；　I　asked　leave　of　the　new　superintendent　to　go　to　Lowton；　in　order　to　perform　some　small　missions　for　myself　and　one　or　two　of　my　fellow…teachers；　permission　was　readily　granted；　I　went。　It　was　a　walk　of　two　miles；　and　the　evening　was　wet；　but　the　days　were　still　long；　I　visited　a　shop　or　two；　slipped　the　letter　into　the　post…　office；　and　came　back　through　heavy　rain；　with　streaming　garments；　but　with　a　relieved　heart。
The　succeeding　week　seemed　long：　it　came　to　an　end　at　last；　however；　like　all　sublunary　things；　and　once　more；　towards　the　close　of　a　pleasant　autumn　day；　I　found　myself　afoot　on　the　road　to　Lowton。　A　picturesque　track　it　was；　by　the　way；　lying　along　the　side　of　the　beck　and　through　the　sweetest　curves　of　the　dale：　but　that　day　I　thought　more　of　the　letters；　that　might　or　might　not　be　awaiting　me　at　the　little　burgh　whither　I　was　bound；　than　of　the　charms　of　lea　and　water。
My　ostensible　errand　on　this　occasion　was　to　get　measured　for　a　pair　of　shoes；　so　I　discharged　that　business　first；　and　when　it　was　done；　I　stepped　across　the　clean　and　quiet　little　street　from　the　shoemaker’s　to　the　post…office：　it　was　kept　by　an　old　dame；　who　wore　horn　spectacles　on　her　nose；　and　black　mittens　on　her　hands。
“Are　there　any　letters　for　J。E。？”　I　asked。
She　peered　at　me　over　her　spectacles；　and　then　she　opened　a　drawer　and　fumbled　among　its　contents　for　a　long　time；　so　long　that　my　hopes　began　to　falter。　At　last；　having　held　a　document　before　her　glasses　for　nearly　five　minutes；　she　presented　it　across　the　counter；　acpanying　the　act　by　another　inquisitive　and　mistrustful　glance—it　was　for　J。E。
“Is　there　only　one？”　I　demanded。
“There　are　no　more；”　said　she；　and　I　put　it　in　my　pocket　and　turned　my　face　homeward：　I　could　not　open　it　then；　rules　obliged　me　to　be　back　by　eight；　and　it　was　already　half…past　seven。
Various　duties　awaited　me　on　my　arrival。　I　had　to　sit　with　the　girls　during　their　hour　of　study；　then　it　was　my　turn　to　read　prayers；　to　see　them　to　bed：　afterwards　I　supped　with　the　other　teachers。　Even　when　we　finally　retired　for　the　night；　the　inevitable　Miss　Gryce　was　still　my　panion：　we　had　only　a　short　end　of　candle　in　our　candlestick；　and　I　dreaded　lest　she　should　talk　till　it　was　all　burnt　out；　fortunately；　however；　the　heavy　supper　she　had　eaten　produced　a　soporific　effect：　she　was　already　snoring　before　I　had　finished　undressing。　There　still　remained　an　inch　of　candle：　I　now　took　out　my　letter；　the　seal　was　an　initial　F。；　I　broke　it；　the　contents　were　brief。
“If　J。E。；　who　advertised　in　the—shire　Herald　of　last　Thursday；　possesses　the　acquirements　mentioned；　and　if　she　is　in　a　position　to　give　satisfactory　references　as　to　character　and　petency；　a　situation　can　be　offered　her　where　there　is　but　one　pupil；　a　little　girl；　under　ten　years　of　age；　and　where　the　salary　is　thirty　pounds　per　annum。　J。E。　is　requested　to　send　references；　name；　address；　and　all　particulars　to　the　direction：—
“Mrs。　Fairfax；　Thornfield；　near　Millcote；—shire。”
I　examined　the　document　long：　the　writing　was　old…fashioned　and　rather　uncertain；　like　that　of　in　elderly　lady。　This　circumstance　was　satisfactory：　a　private　fear　had　haunted　me；　that　in　thus　acting　for　myself；　and　by　my　own　guidance；　I　ran　the　risk　of　getting　into　some　scrape；　and；　above　all　things；　I　wished　the　result　of　my　endeavours　to　be　respectable；　proper；　en　règle。　I　now　felt　that　an　elderly　lady　was　no　bad　ingredient　in　the　business　I　had　on　hand。　Mrs。　Fairfax！　I　saw　her　in　a　black　gown　and　widow’s　cap；　frigid；　perhaps；　but　not　uncivil：　a　model　of　elderly　English　respectability。　Thornfield！　that；　doubtless；　was　the　name　of　her　house：　a　neat　orderly　spot；　I　was　sure；　though　I　failed　in　my　efforts　to　conceive　a　correct　plan　of　the　premises。　Millcote；　—　shire；　I　brushed　up　my　recollections　of　the　map　of　England；　yes；　I　saw　it；　both　the　shire　and　the　town。　—shire　was　seventy　miles　nearer　London　than　the　remote　county　where　I　now　resided：　that　was　a　remendation　to　me。　I　longed　to　go　where　there　was　life　and　movement：　Millcote　was　a　large　manufacturing　town　on　the　banks　of　the　A…；　a　busy　place　enough；　doubtless：　so　much　the　better；　it　would　be　a　plete　change　at　least。　Not　that　my　fancy　was　much　captivated　by　the　idea　of　long　chimneys　and　clouds　of　smoke—“but；”　I　argued；　“Thornfield　will；　probably；　be　a　good　way　from　the　town。”
Here　the　socket　of　the　candle　dropped；　and　the　wick　went　out。
Next　day　new　steps　were　to　be　taken；　my　plans　could　no　longer　be　confined　to　my　own　breast；　I　must　impart　them　in　order　to　achieve　their　success。　Having　sought　and　obtained　an　audience　of　the　superintendent　during　the　noontide　recreation；　I　told　her　I　had　a　prospect　of　getting　a　new　situation　where　the　salary　would　be　double　what　I　now　received　（for　at　Lowood　I　only　got　￡15　per　annum）；　and　requested　she　would　break　the　matter　for　me　to　Mr。　Brocklehurst；　or　some　of　the　mittee；　and　ascertain　whether　they　would　permit　me　to　mention　them　as　references。　She　obligingly　consented　to　act　as　mediatrix　in　the　matter。　The　next　day　she　laid　the　affair　before　Mr。　Brocklehurst；　who　said　that　Mrs。　Reed　must　be　written　to；　as　she　was　my　natural　guardian。　A　note　was　accordingly　addressed　to　that　lady；　who　returned　for　answer；　that　“I　might　do　as　I　pleased：　she　had　long　relinquished　all　interference　in　my　affairs。”　This　note　went　the　round　of　the　mittee；　and　at　last；　after　what　appeared　to　me　most　tedious　delay；　formal　leave　was　given　me　to　better　my　condition　if　I　could；　and　an　assurance　added；　that　as　I　had　always　conducted　myself　well；　both　as　teacher　and　pupil；　at　Lowood；　a　testimonial　of　character　and　capacity；　signed　by　the　inspectors　of　that　institution；　should　forthwith　be　furnished　me。
This　testimonial　I　accordingly　received　in　about　a　month；　forwarded　a　copy　of　it　to　Mrs。　Fairfax；　and　got　that　lady’s　reply；　stating　that　she　was　satisfied；　and　fixing　that　day　fortnight　as　the　period　for　my　assuming　the　post　of　governess　in　her　house。
I　now　busied　myself　in　preparations：　the　fortnight　passed　rapidly。　I　had　not　a　very　large　wardrobe；　though　it　y　wants；　and　the　last　day　sufficed　to　pack　my　trunk；—the　same　I　had　brought　with　me　eight　years　ago　from　Gateshead。
The　box　was　corded；　the　card　nailed　on。　In　half…an…hour　the　carrier　was　to　call　for　it　to　take　it　to　Lowton；　whether　I　myself　was　to　repair　at　an　early　hour　the　next　morning　to　meet　the　coach。　I　had　brushed　my　black　stuff　travelling…dress；　prepared　my　bon；　gloves；　and　muff；　sought　in　all　my　drawers　to　see　that　no　article　was　left　behind；　and　now　having　nothing　more　to　do；　I　sat　down　and　tried　to　rest。　I　could　not；　though　I　had　been　on　foot　all　day；　I　could　not　now　repose　an　instant；　I　was　too　much　excited。　A　phase　of　my　life　was　closing　to…night；　a　new　one　opening　to…morrow：　impossible　to　slumber　in　the　interval；　I　must　watch　feverishly　while　the　change　was　being　acplished。
“Miss；”　said　a　servant　who　met　me　in　the　lobby；　where　I　was　wandering　like　a　troubled　spirit；　“a　person　below　wishes　to　see　you。”
“The　carrier；　no　doubt；”　I　thought；　and　ran　downstairs　without　inquiry。　I　was　passing　the　back…parlour　or　teachers’　sittin