简爱(英文版)-第3章

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her　irrational　violence；　I　was　loaded　with　general　opprobrium。
“Unjust！—unjust！”　said　my　reason；　forced　by　the　agonising　stimulus　into　precocious　though　transitory　power：　and　Resolve；　equally　wrought　up；　instigated　some　strange　expedient　to　achieve　escape　from　insupportable　oppression—as　running　away；　or；　if　that　could　not　be　effected；　never　eating　or　drinking　more；　and　letting　myself　die。
What　a　consternation　of　soul　was　mine　that　dreary　afternoon！　How　all　my　brain　was　in　tumult；　and　all　my　heart　in　insurrection！　Yet　in　what　darkness；　what　dense　ignorance；　was　the　mental　battle　fought！　I　could　not　answer　the　ceaseless　inward　question—why　I　thus　suffered；　now；　at　the　distance　of—I　will　not　say　how　many　years；　I　see　it　clearly。
I　was　a　discord　in　Gateshead　Hall：　I　was　like　nobody　there；　I　had　nothing　in　harmony　with　Mrs。　Reed　or　her　children；　or　her　chosen　vassalage。　If　they　did　not　love　me；　in　fact；　as　little　did　I　love　them。　They　were　not　bound　to　regard　with　affection　a　thing　that　could　not　sympathise　with　one　amongst　them；　a　heterogeneous　thing；　opposed　to　them　in　temperament；　in　capacity；　in　propensities；　a　useless　thing；　incapable　of　serving　their　interest；　or　adding　to　their　pleasure；　a　noxious　thing；　cherishing　the　germs　of　indignation　at　their　treatment；　of　contempt　of　their　judgment。　I　know　that　had　I　been　a　sanguine；　brilliant；　careless；　exacting；　handsome；　romping　child—though　equally　dependent　and　friendless—Mrs。　Reed　would　have　endured　my　presence　more　placently；　her　children　would　have　entertained　for　me　more　of　the　cordiality　of　fellow…feeling；　the　servants　would　have　been　less　prone　to　make　me　the　scapegoat　of　the　nursery。
Daylight　began　to　forsake　the　red…room；　it　was　past　four　o’clock；　and　the　beclouded　afternoon　was　tending　to　drear　twilight。　I　heard　the　rain　still　beating　continuously　on　the　staircase　window；　and　the　wind　howling　in　the　grove　behind　the　hall；　I　grew　by　degrees　cold　as　a　stone；　and　then　my　courage　sank。　My　habitual　mood　of　humiliation；　self…doubt；　forlorn　depression；　fell　damp　on　the　embers　of　my　decaying　ire。　All　said　I　was　wicked；　and　perhaps　I　might　be　so；　what　thought　had　I　been　but　just　conceiving　of　starving　myself　to　death？　That　certainly　was　a　crime：　and　was　I　fit　to　die？　Or　was　the　vault　under　the　chancel　of　Gateshead　Church　an　inviting　bourne？　In　such　vault　I　had　been　told　did　Mr。　Reed　lie　buried；　and　led　by　this　thought　to　recall　his　idea；　I　dwelt　on　it　with　gathering　dread。　I　could　not　remember　him；　but　I　knew　that　he　was　my　own　uncle—my　mother’s　brother—that　he　had　taken　me　when　a　parentless　infant　to　his　house；　and　that　in　his　last　moments　he　had　required　a　promise　of　Mrs。　Reed　that　she　would　rear　and　maintain　me　as　one　of　her　own　children。　Mrs。　Reed　probably　considered　she　had　kept　this　promise；　and　so　she　had；　I　dare　say；　as　well　as　her　nature　would　permit　her；　but　how　could　she　really　like　an　interloper　not　of　her　race；　and　unconnected　with　her；　after　her　husband’s　death；　by　any　tie？　It　must　have　been　most　irksome　to　find　herself　bound　by　a　hard…wrung　pledge　to　stand　in　the　stead　of　a　parent　to　a　strange　child　she　could　not　love；　and　to　see　an　uncongenial　alien　permanently　intruded　on　her　own　family　group。
A　singular　notion　dawned　upon　me。　I　doubted　not—never　doubted—　that　if　Mr。　Reed　had　been　alive　he　would　have　treated　me　kindly；　and　now；　as　I　sat　looking　at　the　white　bed　and　overshadowed　walls—　occasionally　also　turning　a　fascinated　eye　towards　the　dimly　gleaning　mirror—I　began　to　recall　what　I　had　heard　of　dead　men；　troubled　in　their　graves　by　the　violation　of　their　last　wishes；　revisiting　the　earth　to　punish　the　perjured　and　avenge　the　oppressed；　and　I　thought　Mr。　Reed’s　spirit；　harassed　by　the　wrongs　of　his　sister’s　child；　might　quit　its　abode—whether　in　the　church　vault　or　in　the　unknown　world　of　the　departed—and　rise　before　me　in　this　chamber。　I　wiped　my　tears　and　hushed　my　sobs；　fearful　lest　any　sign　of　violent　grief　might　waken　a　preternatural　voice　to　fort　me；　or　elicit　from　the　gloom　some　haloed　face；　bending　over　me　with　strange　pity。　This　idea；　consolatory　in　theory；　I　felt　would　be　terrible　if　realised：　with　all　my　might　I　endeavoured　to　stifle　it—I　endeavoured　to　be　firm。　Shaking　my　hair　from　my　eyes；　I　lifted　my　head　and　tried　to　look　boldly　round　the　dark　room；　at　this　moment　a　light　gleamed　on　the　wall。　Was　it；　I　asked　myself；　a　ray　from　the　moon　perating　some　aperture　in　the　blind？　No；　moonlight　was　still；　and　this　stirred；　while　I　gazed；　it　glided　up　to　the　ceiling　and　quivered　over　my　head。　I　can　now　conjecture　readily　that　this　streak　of　light　was；　in　all　likelihood；　a　gleam　from　a　lantern　carried　by　some　one　across　the　lawn：　but　then；　prepared　as　my　mind　was　for　horror；　shaken　as　my　nerves　were　by　agitation；　I　thought　the　swift　darting　beam　was　a　herald　of　some　ing　vision　from　another　world。　My　heart　beat　thick；　my　head　grew　hot；　a　sound　filled　my　ears；　which　I　deemed　the　rushing　of　wings；　something　seemed　near　me；　I　was　oppressed；　suffocated：　endurance　broke　down；　I　rushed　to　the　door　and　shook　the　lock　in　desperate　effort。　Steps　came　running　along　the　outer　passage；　the　key　turned；　Bessie　and　Abbot　entered。
“Miss　Eyre；　are　you　ill？”　said　Bessie。
“What　a　dreadful　noise！　it　e！”　exclaimed　Abbot。
“Take　me　out！　Let　me　go　into　the　nursery！”　was　my　cry。
“What　for？　Are　you　hurt？　Have　you　seen　something？”　again　demanded　Bessie。
“Oh！　I　saw　a　light；　and　I　thought　a　ghost　would　e。”　I　had　now　got　hold　of　Bessie’s　hand；　and　she　did　not　snatch　it　from　me。
“She　has　screamed　out　on　purpose；”　declared　Abbot；　in　some　disgust。　“And　what　a　scream！　If　she　had　been　in　great　pain　one　would　have　excused　it；　but　she　only　wanted　to　bring　us　all　here：　I　know　her　naughty　tricks。”
“What　is　all　this？”　demanded　another　voice　peremptorily；　and　Mrs。　Reed　came　along　the　corridor；　her　cap　flying　wide；　her　gown　rustling　stormily。　“Abbot　and　Bessie；　I　believe　I　gave　orders　that　Jane　Eyre　should　be　left　in　the　red…room　till　I　came　to　her　myself。”
“Miss　Jane　screamed　so　loud；　ma’am；”　pleaded　Bessie。
“Let　her　go；”　was　the　only　answer。　“Loose　Bessie’s　hand；　child：　you　cannot　succeed　in　getting　out　by　these　means；　be　assured。　I　abhor　artifice；　particularly　in　children；　it　is　my　duty　to　show　you　that　tricks　will　not　answer：　you　will　now　stay　here　an　hour　longer；　and　it　is　only　on　condition　of　perfect　submission　and　stillness　that　I　shall　liberate　you　then。”
“O　aunt！　have　pity！　Forgive　me！　I　cannot　endure　it—let　me　be　punished　some　other　way！　I　shall　be　killed　if—”
“Silence！　This　violence　is　all　most　repulsive：”　and　so；　no　doubt；　she　felt　it。　I　was　a　precocious　actress　in　her　eyes；　she　sincerely　looked　on　me　as　a　pound　of　virulent　passions；　mean　spirit；　and　dangerous　duplicity。
Bessie　and　Abbot　having　retreated；　Mrs。　Reed；　impatient　of　my　now　frantic　anguish　and　wild　sobs；　abruptly　thrust　me　back　and　locked　me　in；　without　farther　parley。　I　heard　her　sweeping　away；　and　soon　after　she　was　gone；　I　suppose　I　had　a　species　of　fit：　unconsciousness　closed　the　scene。
Chapter　3
The　next　thing　I　remember　is；　waking　up　with　a　feeling　as　if　I　had　had　a　frightful　nightmare；　and　seeing　before　me　a　terrible　red　glare；　crossed　with　thick　black　bars。　I　heard　voices；　too；　speaking　with　a　hollow　sound；　and　as　if　muffled　by　a　rush　of　wind　or　water：　agitation；　uncertainty；　and　an　all…predominating　sense　of　terror　confused　my　faculties。　Ere　long；　I　became　aware　that　some　one　was　handling　me；　lifting　me　up　and　supporting　me　in　a　sitting　posture；　and　that　more　tenderly　than　I　had　ever　been　raised　or　upheld　before。　I　rested　my　head　against　a　pillow　or　an　arm；　and　felt　easy。
In　five　minutes　more　the　cloud　of　bewilderment　dissolved：　I　knew　quite　well　that　I　was　in　my　own　bed；　and　that　the　red　glare　was　the　nursery　fire。　It　was　night：　a　candle　burnt　on　the　table；　Bessie　stood　at　the　bed…foot　with　a　basin　in　her　hand；　and　a　gentleman　sat　in　a　chair　near　my　pillow；　leaning　over　me。
I　felt　an　inexpressible　relief；　a　soothing　conviction　of　protection　and　security；　when　I　knew　that　there　was　a　stranger　in　the　room；　an　individual　not　belonging　to　Gateshead。；　and　not　related　to　Mrs。　Reed。　Turning　from　Bessie　（though　her　presence　was　far　less　obnoxious　to　me　than　that　of　Abbot；　for　instance；　would　have　been）；　I　scrutinised　the　face　of　the　gentleman：　I　knew　him；　it　was　Mr。　Lloyd；　an　apothecary；　sometimes　called　in　by　Mrs。　Reed　when　the　servants　were　ailing：　for　herself　and　the　children　she　employed　a　physician。
“Well；　who　am　I？”　he　asked。
I　pronounced　his　name；　offering　him　at　the　same　time　my　hand：　he　took　it；　smiling　and　saying；　“We　shall　do　very　well　by…and…by。”　Then　he　laid　me　down；　and　addressing　Bessie；　charged　her　to　be　very　careful　that　I　was　not　disturbed　during　the　night。　Having　given　some　further　directions；　and　intimates　that　he　should　call　again　the　next　day；　he　departed；　to　my　grief：　I　felt　so　sheltered　and　befriended　while　he　sat　in　the　chair　near　my　pillow；　and　as　he　closed　the　door　after　him；　all　the　room　darkened　and　my　heart　again　sank：　inexpressible　sadness　weighed　it　down。
“Do　you　feel　as　if　you　should　sleep；　Miss？”　asked　Bessie；　rather　softly。
Scarcely　dared　I　answer　her；　for　I　feared　the　next　sentence　might　be　rough。　“I　will　try。”
“Would　you　like　to　drink；　or　could　you　eat　anything？”
“No；　thank　you；　Bessie。”
“Then　I　think　I　shall　go　to　bed；　for　it　is　past　twelve　o’clock；　but　you　may　call　me　if　you　want　anything　in　the　night。”
Wonderful　civility　this！　It　emboldened　me　to　ask　a　question。
“Bessie；　what　is　the　matter　with　me？　Am　I　ill？”
“You　fell　sick；　I　suppose；　in　the　red…room　with　crying；　you’ll　be　better　soon；　no　doubt。”
Bessie　went　into　the　housemaid’s　apartment；　which　was　near。　I　heard　her　say—
“Sarah；　e　and　sleep　with　me　in　the　nursery；　I　daren’t　for　my　life　be　alone　with　that　poor　child　to…night：　she　might　die；　it’s　such　a　strange　thing　she　should　have　that　fit：　I　wonder　if　she　saw　anything。　Missis　was　rather　too　hard。”
Sarah　came　back　with　her；　they　both　went　to　bed；　they　were　whispering　together　for　half…an…hour　before　they　fell　asleep。　I　caught　scraps　of　their　conversation；　from　which　I　was　able　only　too　distinctly　to　infer　the　main　subject　discussed。
“Something　passed　her；　all　dressed　in　white；　and　vanished”—“A　great　black　dog　behind　him”—“Three　loud　raps　on　the　chamber　door”—“A　light　in　the　churchyard　just　over　his　grave；”　&c。　&c。
At　last　both　slept：　the　fire　and　the　candle　went　out。　For　me；　the　watches　of　that　long　night　passed　in　ghastly　wakefulness；　strained　by　dread：　such　dread　as　children　only　can　feel。
No　severe　or　prolonged　bodily　illness　followed　this　incident　of　the　red…room；　it　only　gave　my　nerves　a　shock　of　which　I　feel　the　reverberation　to　this　day。　Yes；　Mrs。　Reed；　to　you　I　owe　some　fearful　pangs　of　mental　suffering；　but　I　ought　to　forgive　you；　for　you　knew　not　what　you　did：　while　rending　my　heart…strings；　you　thought　you　were　only　uprooting　my　bad　propensities。
Next　day；　by　noon；　I　was　up　and　dressed；　and　sat　wrapped　in　a　shawl　by　the　nursery　hearth。　I　felt　physically　weak　and　broken　down：　but　my　worse　ailment　was　an　unutterable　wretchedness　of　mind：　a　wretchedness　which　kept　drawing　from　me　silent　tears；　no　sooner　had　I　wiped　one　salt　drop　from　my　cheek　than　another　followed。　Yet；　I　thought；　I　ought　to　have　been　happy；　for　none　of　the　Reeds　were　there；　they　were　all　gone　out　in　the　carriage　with　their　mama。　Abbot；　too；　was　sewing　in　another　room；　and　Bessie；　as　she　moved　hither　and　thither；　putting　away　toys　and　arranging　drawers；　addressed　to　me　every　now　and　then　a　word　of　unwonted　kindness。　This　state　of　things　should　have　been　to　me　a　paradise　of　peace；　accustomed　as　I　was　to　a　life　of　ceaseless　reprimand　and　thankless　fagging；　but；　in　fact；　my　racked　nerves　were　now　in　such　a　state　that　no　calm　could　soothe；　and　no　pleasure　excite　them　agreeably。
Bessie　had　been　down　into　the　kitchen；　and　she　brought　up　with　her　a　tart　on　a　certain　brightly　painted　china　plate；　whose　bird　of　paradise；　nestling　in　a　wreath　of　convolvuli　and　rosebuds；　had　been　wont　to　stir　in　me　a　most　enthusiastic　sense　of　admiration；　and　which　plate　I　had　often　petitioned　to　be　allowed　to　take　in　my　hand　in　order　to　examine　it　more　closely；　but　had　always　hitherto　been　deemed　unworthy　of　such　a　privilege。　This　precious　vessel　was　now　placed　on　my　knee；　and　I　was　cordially　invited　to　eat　the　circlet　of　delicate　pastry　upon　it。　Vain　favour！　ing；　like　most　other　favours　long　deferred　and　often　wished　for；　too　late！　I　could　not　eat　the　tart；　and　the　plumage　of　the　bird；　the　tints　of　the　flowers；　seemed　strangely　faded：　I　put　both　plate　and　tart　away。　Bessie　asked　if　I　would　have　a　book：　the　word　BOOK　acted　as　a　transient　stimulus；　and　I　begged　her　to　fetch　Gulliver’s　Travels　from　the　library。　This　book　I　had　again　and　again　perused　with　delight。　I　considered　it　a　narrative　of　facts；　and　discovered　in　it　a　vein　of　interest　deeper　than　what　I　found　in　fairy　tales：　for　as　to　the　elves；　having　sought　them　in　vain　among　foxglove　leaves　and　bells；　under　mushrooms　and　beneath　the　ground…ivy　mantling　old　wall…nooks；　I　had　at　length　made　up　my　mind　to　the　sad　truth；　that　they　were　all　gone　out　of　England　to　some　savage　country　where　the　woods　were　wilder　and　thicker；　and　the　population　more　scant；　whereas；　Lilliput　and　Brob