简爱(英文版)-第42章

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probably　take　the　veil。”
I　neither　expressed　surprise　at　this　resolution　nor　attempted　to　dissuade　her　from　it。　“The　vocation　will　fit　you　to　a　hair；”　I　thought：　“much　good　may　it　do　you！”
When　we　parted；　she　said：　“Good…bye；　cousin　Jane　Eyre；　I　wish　you　well：　you　have　some　sense。”
I　then　returned：　“You　are　not　without　sense；　cousin　Eliza；　but　what　you　have；　I　suppose；　in　another　year　will　be　walled　up　alive　in　a　French　convent。　However；　it　is　not　my　business；　and　so　it　suits　you；　I　don’t　much　care。”
“You　are　in　the　right；”　said　she；　and　with　these　words　we　each　went　our　separate　way。　As　I　shall　not　have　occasion　to　refer　either　to　her　or　her　sister　again；　I　may　as　well　mention　here；　that　Georgiana　made　an　advantageous　match　with　a　wealthy　worn…out　man　of　fashion；　and　that　Eliza　actually　took　the　veil；　and　is　at　this　day　superior　of　the　convent　where　she　passed　the　period　of　her　novitiate；　and　which　she　endowed　with　her　fortune。
How　people　feel　when　they　are　returning　home　from　an　absence；　long　or　short；　I　did　not　know：　I　had　never　experienced　the　sensation。　I　had　known　what　it　was　to　e　back　to　Gateshead　when　a　child　after　a　long　walk；　to　be　scolded　for　looking　cold　or　gloomy；　and　later；　what　it　was　to　e　back　from　church　to　Lowood；　to　long　for　a　plenteous　meal　and　a　good　fire；　and　to　be　unable　to　get　either。　Neither　of　these　returnings　was　very　pleasant　or　desirable：　no　mag　drew　me　to　a　given　point；　increasing　in　its　strength　of　attraction　the　nearer　I　came。　The　return　to　Thornfield　was　yet　to　be　tried。
My　journey　seemed　tedious—very　tedious：　fifty　miles　one　day；　a　night　spent　at　an　inn；　fifty　miles　the　next　day。　During　the　first　twelve　hours　I　thought　of　Mrs。　Reed　in　her　last　moments；　I　saw　her　disfigured　and　discoloured　face；　and　heard　her　strangely　altered　voice。　I　mused　on　the　funeral　day；　the　coffin；　the　hearse；　the　black　train　of　tenants　and　servants—few　was　the　number　of　relatives—the　gaping　vault；　the　silent　church；　the　solemn　service。　Then　I　thought　of　Eliza　and　Georgiana；　I　beheld　one　the　cynosure　of　a　ball…room；　the　other　the　inmate　of　a　convent　cell；　and　I　dwelt　on　and　analysed　their　separate　peculiarities　of　person　and　character。　The　evening　arrival　at　the　great　town　of—scattered　these　thoughts；　night　gave　them　quite　another　turn：　laid　down　on　my　traveller’s　bed；　I　left　reminiscence　for　anticipation。
I　was　going　back　to　Thornfield：　but　how　long　was　I　to　stay　there？　Not　long；　of　that　I　was　sure。　I　had　heard　from　Mrs。　Fairfax　in　the　interim　of　my　absence：　the　party　at　the　hall　was　dispersed；　Mr。　Rochester　had　left　for　London　three　weeks　ago；　but　he　was　then　expected　to　return　in　a　fortnight。　Mrs。　Fairfax　surmised　that　he　was　gone　to　make　arrangements　for　his　wedding；　as　he　had　talked　of　purchasing　a　new　carriage：　she　said　the　idea　of　his　marrying　Miss　Ingram　still　seemed　strange　to　her；　but　from　what　everybody　said；　and　from　what　she　had　herself　seen；　she　could　no　longer　doubt　that　the　event　would　shortly　take　place。　“You　would　be　strangely　incredulous　if　you　did　doubt　it；”　was　my　mental　ment。　“I　don’t　doubt　it。”
The　question　followed；　“Where　was　I　to　go？”　I　dreamt　of　Miss　Ingram　all　the　night：　in　a　vivid　morning　dream　I　saw　her　closing　the　gates　of　Thornfield　against　me　and　pointing　me　out　another　road；　and　Mr。　Rochester　looked　on　with　his　arms　folded—smiling　sardonically；　as　it　seemed；　at　both　her　and　me。
I　had　not　notified　to　Mrs。　Fairfax　the　exact　day　of　my　return；　for　I　did　not　wish　either　car　or　carriage　to　meet　me　at　Millcote。　I　proposed　to　yself；　and　very　quietly；　after　leaving　my　box　in　the　ostler’s　care；　did　I　slip　away　from　the　George　Inn；　about　six　o’clock　of　a　June　evening；　and　take　the　old　road　to　Thornfield：　a　road　which　lay　chiefly　through　fields；　and　was　now　little　frequented。
It　was　not　a　bright　or　splendid　summer　evening；　though　fair　and　soft：　the　haymakers　were　at　work　all　along　the　road；　and　the　sky；　though　far　from　cloudless；　was　such　as　promised　well　for　the　future：　its　blue—where　blue　was　visible—was　mild　and　settled；　and　its　cloud　strata　high　and　thin。　The　west；　too；　was　warm：　no　watery　gleam　chilled　it—it　seemed　as　if　there　was　a　fire　lit；　an　altar　burning　behind　its　screen　of　marbled　vapour；　and　out　of　apertures　shone　a　golden　redness。
I　felt　glad　as　the　road　shortened　before　me：　so　glad　that　I　stopped　once　to　ask　myself　what　that　joy　meant：　and　to　remind　reason　that　it　was　not　to　my　home　I　was　going；　or　to　a　permanent　resting…place；　or　to　a　place　where　fond　friends　looked　out　for　me　and　waited　my　arrival。　“Mrs。　Fairfax　will　smile　you　a　calm　wele；　to　be　sure；”　said　I；　“and　little　Adèle　will　clap　her　hands　and　jump　to　see　you：　but　you　know　very　well　you　are　thinking　of　another　than　they；　and　that　he　is　not　thinking　of　you。”
But　what　is　so　headstrong　as　youth？　What　so　blind　as　inexperience？　These　affirmed　that　it　was　pleasure　enough　to　have　the　privilege　of　again　looking　on　Mr。　Rochester；　whether　he　looked　on　me　or　not；　and　they　added—“Hasten！　hasten！　be　with　him　while　you　may：　but　a　few　more　days　or　weeks；　at　most；　and　you　are　parted　from　him　for　ever！”　And　then　I　strangled　a　new…born　agony—a　deformed　thing　which　I　could　not　persuade　myself　to　own　and　rear—and　ran　on。
They　are　making　hay；　too；　in　Thornfield　meadows：　or　rather；　the　labourers　are　just　quitting　their　work；　and　returning　home　with　their　rakes　on　their　shoulders；　now；　at　the　hour　I　arrive。　I　have　but　a　field　or　two　to　traverse；　and　then　I　shall　cross　the　road　and　reach　the　gates。　How　full　the　hedges　are　of　roses！　But　I　have　no　time　to　gather　any；　I　want　to　be　at　the　house。　I　passed　a　tall　briar；　shooting　leafy　and　flowery　branches　across　the　path；　I　see　the　narrow　stile　with　stone　steps；　and　I　see—Mr。　Rochester　sitting　there；　a　book　and　a　pencil　in　his　hand；　he　is　writing。
Well；　he　is　not　a　ghost；　yet　every　nerve　I　have　is　unstrung：　for　a　moment　I　am　beyond　my　own　mastery。　What　does　it　mean？　I　did　not　think　I　should　tremble　in　this　way　when　I　saw　him；　or　lose　my　voice　or　the　power　of　motion　in　his　presence。　I　will　go　back　as　soon　as　I　can　stir：　I　need　not　make　an　absolute　fool　of　myself。　I　know　another　way　to　the　house。　It　does　not　signify　if　I　knew　twenty　ways；　for　he　has　seen　me。
“Hillo！”　he　cries；　and　he　puts　up　his　book　and　his　pencil。　“There　you　are！　e　on；　if　you　please。”
I　suppose　I　do　e　on；　though　in　what　fashion　I　know　not；　being　scarcely　cognisant　of　my　movements；　and　solicitous　only　to　appear　calm；　and；　above　all；　to　control　the　working　muscles　of　my　face—　which　I　feel　rebel　insolently　against　my　will；　and　struggle　to　express　what　I　had　resolved　to　conceal。　But　I　have　a　veil—it　is　down：　I　may　make　shift　yet　to　behave　with　decent　posure。
“And　this　is　Jane　Eyre？　Are　you　ing　from　Millcote；　and　on　foot？　Yes—just　one　of　your　tricks：　not　to　send　for　a　carriage；　and　e　clattering　over　street　and　road　like　a　mon　mortal；　but　to　steal　into　the　vicinage　of　your　home　along　with　twilight；　just　as　if　you　were　a　dream　or　a　shade。　What　the　deuce　have　you　done　with　yourself　this　last　month？”
“I　have　been　with　my　aunt；　sir；　who　is　dead。”
“A　true　Janian　reply！　Good　angels　be　my　guard！　She　es　from　the　other　world—from　the　abode　of　people　who　are　dead；　and　tells　me　so　when　she　meets　me　alone　here　in　the　gloaming！　If　I　dared；　I’d　touch　you；　to　see　if　you　are　substance　or　shadow；　you　elf！—but　I’d　as　soon　offer　to　take　hold　of　a　blue　ignis　fatuus　light　in　a　marsh。　Truant！　truant！”　he　added；　when　he　had　paused　an　instant。　“Absent　from　me　a　whole　month；　and　forgetting　me　quite；　I’ll　be　sworn！”
I　knew　there　would　be　pleasure　in　meeting　my　master　again；　even　though　broken　by　the　fear　that　he　was　so　soon　to　cease　to　be　my　master；　and　by　the　knowledge　that　I　was　nothing　to　him：　but　there　was　ever　in　Mr。　Rochester　（so　at　least　I　thought）　such　a　wealth　of　the　power　of　municating　happiness；　that　to　taste　but　of　the　crumbs　he　scattered　to　stray　and　stranger　birds　like　me；　was　to　feast　genially。　His　last　words　were　balm：　they　seemed　to　imply　that　it　imported　something　to　him　whether　I　forgot　him　or　not。　And　he　had　spoken　of　Thornfield　as　my　home—would　that　it　were　my　home！
He　did　not　leave　the　stile；　and　I　hardly　liked　to　ask　to　go　by。　I　inquired　soon　if　he　had　not　been　to　London。
“Yes；　I　suppose　you　found　that　out　by　second…sight。”
“Mrs。　Fairfax　told　me　in　a　letter。”
“And　did　she　inform　you　what　I　went　to　do？”
“Oh；　yes；　sir！　Everybody　knew　your　errand。”
“You　must　see　the　carriage；　Jane；　and　tell　me　if　you　don’t　think　it　will　suit　Mrs。　Rochester　exactly；　and　whether　she　won’t　look　like　Queen　Boadicea；　leaning　back　against　those　purple　cushions。　I　wish；　Jane；　I　were　a　trifle　better　adapted　to　match　with　her　externally。　Tell　me　now；　fairy　as　you　are—can’t　you　give　me　a　charm；　or　a　philter；　or　something　of　that　sort；　to　make　me　a　handsome　man？”
“It　would　be　past　the　power　of　magic；　sir；”　and；　in　thought；　I　added；　“A　loving　eye　is　all　the　charm　needed：　to　such　you　are　handsome　enough；　or　rather　your　sternness　has　a　power　beyond　beauty。”
Mr。　Rochester　had　sometimes　read　my　unspoken　thoughts　with　an　acumen　to　me　inprehensible：　in　the　present　instance　he　took　no　notice　of　my　abrupt　vocal　response；　but　he　smiled　at　me　with　a　certain　smile　he　had　of　his　own；　and　which　he　used　but　on　rare　occasions。　He　seemed　to　think　it　too　good　for　mon　purposes：　it　was　the　real　sunshine　of　feeling—he　shed　it　over　me　now。
“Pass；　Ja；”　said　he；　making　room　for　me　to　cross　the　stile：　“go　up　home；　and　stay　your　weary　little　wandering　feet　at　a　friend’s　threshold。”
All　I　had　now　to　do　was　to　obey　him　in　silence：　no　need　for　me　to　colloquise　further。　I　got　over　the　stile　without　a　word；　and　meant　to　leave　him　calmly。　An　impulse　held　me　fast—a　force　turned　me　round。　I　said—or　something　in　me　said　for　me；　and　in　spite　of　me—
“Thank　you；　Mr。　Rochester；　for　your　great　kindness。　I　am　strangely　glad　to　get　back　again　to　you：　and　wherever　you　are　is　my　home—my　only　home。”
I　walked　on　so　fast　that　even　he　could　hardly　have　overtaken　me　had　he　tried。　Little　Adèle　was　half　wild　with　delight　when　she　saw　me。　Mrs。　Fairfax　received　me　with　her　usual　plain　friendliness。　Leah　smiled；　and　even　Sophie　bid　me　“bon　soir”　with　glee。　This　was　very　pleasant；　there　is　no　happiness　like　that　of　being　loved　by　your　fellow…creatures；　and　feeling　that　your　presence　is　an　addition　to　their　fort。
I　that　evening　shut　my　eyes　resolutely　against　the　future：　I　stopped　my　cars　against　the　voice　that　kept　warning　me　of　near　separation　and　ing　grief。　When　tea　was　over　and　Mrs。　Fairfax　had　taken　her　knitting；　and　I　had　assumed　a　low　seat　near　her；　and　Adèle；　kneeling　on　the　carpet；　had　nestled　close　up　to　me；　and　a　sense　of　mutual　affection　seemed　to　surround　us　with　a　ring　of　golden　peace；　I　uttered　a　silent　prayer　that　we　might　not　be　parted　far　or　soon；　but　when；　as　we　thus　sat；　Mr。　Rochester　entered；　unannounced；　and　looking　at　us；　seemed　to　take　pleasure　in　the　spectacle　of　a　group　so　amicable—when　he　said　he　supposed　the　old　lady　was　all　right　now　that　she　had　got　her　adopted　daughter　back　again；　and　added　that　he　saw　Adèle　an　Anglaise”—I　half　ventured　to　hope　that　he　would；　even　after　his　marriage；　keep　us　together　somewhere　under　the　shelter　of　his　protection；　and　not　quite　exiled　from　the　sunshine　of　his　presence。
A　fortnight　of　dubious　calm　succeeded　my　return　to　Thornfield　Hall。　Nothing　was　said　of　the　master’s　marriage；　and　I　saw　no　preparation　going　on　for　such　an　event。　Almost　every　day　I　asked　Mrs。　Fairfax　if　she　had　yet　heard　anything　decided：　her　answer　was　always　in　the　negative。　Once　she　said　she　had　actually　put　the　question　to　Mr。　Rochester　as　to　when　he　was　going　to　bring　his　bride　home；　but　he　had　answered　her　only　by　a　joke　and　one　of　his　queer　looks；　and　she　could　not　tell　what　to　make　of　him。
One　thing　specially　surprised　me；　and　that　was；　there　were　no　journeyings　backward　and　forward；　no　visits　to　Ingram　Park：　to　be　sure　it　was　twenty　miles　off；　on　the　borders　of　another　county；　but　what　was　that　distance　to　an　ardent　lover？　To　so　practised　and　indefatigable　a　horseman　as　Mr。　Rochester；　it　would　be　but　a　morning’s　ride。　I　began　to　cherish　hopes　I　had　no　right　to　conceive：　that　the　match　was　broken　off；　that　rumour　had　been　mistaken；　that　one　or　both　parties　had　changed　their　minds。　I　used　to　look　at　my　master’s　face　to　see　if　it　were　sad　or　fierce；　but　I　could　not　remember　the　time　when　it　had　been　so　uniformly　clear　of　clouds　or　evil　feelings。　If；　in　the　moments　I　and　my　pupil　spent　with　him；　I　lacked　spirits　and　sank　into　inevitable　dejection；　he　became　even　gay。　Never　had　he　called　me　more　frequently　to　his　presence；　never　been　kinder　to　me　when　there—and；　alas！　never　had　I　loved　him　so　well。
Chapter　23
A　splendid　Midsummer　shone　over　England：　skies　so　pure；　suns　so　radiant　as　were　then　seen　in　long　succession；　seldom　favour　even　singly；　our　wave…girt　land。　It　was　as　if　a　band　of　Italian　days　had　e　from　the　South；　like　a　flock　of　glorious　passenger　birds；　and　lighted　to　rest　them　on　the　cliffs　of　Albion。　The　hay　was　all　got　in；　the　fields　round　Thornfield　were　green　and　shorn；　the　roads　white　and　baked；　the　trees　were　in　their　dark　prime；　hedge　and　wood；　full…leaved　and　deeply　tinted；　contrasted　well　with　the　sunny　hue　of　the　cleared　meadows　between。
On　Midsummer…eve；　Adèle；　wea