简爱(英文版)-第58章

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And　she　proceeded　to　prepare　the　meal。　The　ladies　rose；　they　seemed　about　to　withdraw　to　the　parlour。　Till　this　moment；　I　had　been　so　intent　on　watching　them；　their　appearance　and　conversation　had　excited　in　me　so　keen　an　interest；　I　had　half…forgotten　my　own　wretched　position：　now　it　recurred　to　me。　More　desolate；　more　desperate　than　ever；　it　seemed　from　contrast。　And　how　impossible　did　it　appear　to　touch　the　inmates　of　this　house　with　concern　on　my　behalf；　to　make　them　believe　in　the　truth　of　my　wants　and　woes—to　induce　them　to　vouchsafe　a　rest　for　my　wanderings！　As　I　groped　out　the　door；　and　knocked　at　it　hesitatingly；　I　felt　that　last　idea　to　be　a　mere　chimera。　Hannah　opened。
“What　do　you　want？”　she　inquired；　in　a　voice　of　surprise；　as　she　surveyed　me　by　the　light　of　the　candle　she　held。
“May　I　speak　to　your　mistresses？”　I　said。
“You　had　better　tell　me　what　you　have　to　say　to　them。　Where　do　you　e　from？”
“I　am　a　stranger。”
“What　is　your　business　here　at　this　hour？”
“I　want　a　night’s　shelter　in　an　out…house　or　anywhere；　and　a　morsel　of　bread　to　eat。”
Distrust；　the　very　feeling　I　dreaded；　appeared　in　Hannah’s　face。　“I’ll　give　you　a　piece　of　bread；”　she　said；　after　a　pause；　“but　we　can’t　take　in　a　vagrant　to　lodge。　It　isn’t　likely。”
“Do　let　me　speak　to　your　mistresses。”
“No；　not　I。　What　can　they　do　for　you？　You　should　not　be　roving　about　now；　it　looks　very　ill。”
“But　where　shall　I　go　if　you　drive　me　away？　What　shall　I　do？”
“Oh；　I’ll　warrant　you　know　where　to　go　and　what　to　do。　Mind　you　don’t　do　wrong；　that’s　all。　Here　is　a　penny；　now　go—”
“A　penny　cannot　feed　me；　and　I　have　no　strength　to　go　farther。　Don’t　shut　the　door：…　oh；　don’t；　for　God’s　sake！”
“I　must；　the　rain　is　driving　in—”
“Tell　the　young　ladies。　Let　me　see　them…　”
“Indeed；　I　will　not。　You　are　not　what　you　ought　to　be；　or　you　wouldn’t　make　such　a　noise。　Move　off。”
“But　I　must　die　if　I　am　turned　away。”
“Not　you。　I’m　fear’d　you　have　some　ill　plans　agate；　that　bring　you　about　folk’s　houses　at　this　time　o’　night。　If　you’ve　any　followers—housebreakers　or　such　like—anywhere　near；　you　may　tell　them　we　are　not　by　ourselves　in　the　house；　we　have　a　gentleman；　and　dogs；　and　guns。”　Here　the　honest　but　inflexible　servant　clapped　the　door　to　and　bolted　it　within。
This　was　the　climax。　A　pang　of　exquisite　suffering—a　throe　of　true　despair—rent　and　heaved　my　heart。　Worn　out；　indeed；　I　was；　not　another　step　could　I　stir。　I　sank　on　the　wet　doorstep：　I　groaned—　I　wrung　my　hands—I　wept　in　utter　anguish。　Oh；　this　spectre　of　death！　Oh；　this　last　hour；　approaching　in　such　horror！　Alas；　this　isolation—this　banishment　from　my　kind！　Not　only　the　anchor　of　hope；　but　the　footing　of　fortitude　was　gone—at　least　for　a　moment；　but　the　last　I　soon　endeavoured　to　regain。
“I　can　but　die；”　I　said；　“and　I　believe　in　God。　Let　me　try　to　wait　His　will　in　silence。”
These　words　I　not　only　thought；　but　uttered；　and　thrusting　back　all　my　misery　into　my　heart；　I　made　an　effort　to　pel　it　to　remain　there—dumb　and　still。
“All　men　must　die；”　said　a　voice　quite　close　at　hand；　“but　all　are　not　condemned　to　meet　a　lingering　and　premature　doom；　such　as　yours　would　be　if　you　perished　here　of　want。”
“Who　or　what　speaks？”　I　asked；　terrified　at　the　unexpected　sound；　and　incapable　now　of　deriving　from　any　occurrence　a　hope　of　aid。　A　form　was　near—what　form；　the　pitch…dark　night　and　my　enfeebled　vision　prevented　me　from　distinguishing。　With　a　loud　long　knock；　the　new…er　appealed　to　the　door。
“Is　it　you；　Mr。　St。　John？”　cried　Hannah。
“Yes—yes；　open　quickly。”
“Well；　how　wet　and　cold　you　must　be；　such　a　wild　night　as　it　is！　e　in—your　sisters　are　quite　uneasy　about　you；　and　I　believe　there　are　bad　folks　about。　There　has　been　a　beggar…woman—I　declare　she　is　not　gone　yet！—laid　down　there。　Get　up！　for　shame！　Move　off；　I　say！”
“Hush；　Hannah！　I　have　a　word　to　say　to　the　woman。　You　have　done　your　duty　in　excluding；　now　let　me　do　mine　in　admitting　her。　I　was　near；　and　listened　to　both　you　and　her。　I　think　this　is　a　peculiar　case—I　must　at　least　examine　into　it。　Young　woman；　rise；　and　pass　before　me　into　the　house。”
With　difficulty　I　obeyed　him。　Presently　I　stood　within　that　clean；　bright　kitchen—on　the　very　hearth—trembling；　sickening；　conscious　of　an　aspect　in　the　last　degree　ghastly；　wild；　and　weather…beaten。　The　two　ladies；　their　brother；　Mr。　St。　John；　the　old　servant；　were　all　gazing　at　me。
“St。　John；　who　is　it？”　I　heard　one　ask。
“I　cannot　tell：　I　found　her　at　the　door；”　was　the　reply。
“She　does　look　white；”　said　Hannah。
“As　white　as　clay　or　death；”　was　responded。　“She　will　fall：　let　her　sit。”
And　indeed　my　head　swam：　I　dropped；　but　a　chair　received　me。　I　still　possessed　my　senses；　though　just　now　I　could　not　speak。
“Perhaps　a　little　water　would　restore　her。　Hannah；　fetch　some。　But　she　is　worn　to　nothing。　How　very　thin；　and　how　very　bloodless！”
“A　mere　spectre！”
“Is　she　ill；　or　only　famished？”
“Famished；　I　think。　Hannah；　is　that　milk？　Give　it　me；　and　a　piece　of　bread。”
Diana　（I　knew　her　by　the　long　curls　which　I　saw　drooping　between　me　and　the　fire　as　she　bent　over　me）　broke　some　bread；　dipped　it　in　milk；　and　put　it　to　my　lips。　Her　face　was　near　mine：　I　saw　there　was　pity　in　it；　and　I　felt　sympathy　in　her　hurried　breathing。　In　her　simple　words；　too；　the　same　balm…like　emotion　spoke：　“Try　to　eat。”
“Yes—try；”　repeated　Mary　gently；　and　Mary’s　hand　removed　my　sodden　bon　and　lifted　my　head。　I　tasted　what　they　offered　me：　feebly　at　first；　eagerly　soon。
“Not　too　much　at　first—restrain　her；”　said　the　brother；　“she　has　had　enough。”　And　he　withdrew　the　cup　of　milk　and　the　plate　of　bread。
“A　little　more；　St。　John—look　at　the　avidity　in　her　eyes。”
“No　more　at　present；　sister。　Try　if　she　can　speak　now—ask　her　her　name。”
I　felt　I　could　speak；　and　I　answered—“My　name　is　Jane　Elliott。”　Anxious　as　ever　to　avoid　discovery；　I　had　before　resolved　to　assume　an　alias。
“And　where　do　you　live？　Where　are　your　friends？”
I　was　silent。
“Can　we　send　for　any　one　you　know？”
I　shook　my　head。
“What　account　can　you　give　of　yourself？”
Somehow；　now　that　I　had　once　crossed　the　threshold　of　this　house；　and　once　was　brought　face　to　face　with　its　owners；　I　felt　no　longer　outcast；　vagrant；　and　disowned　by　the　wide　world。　I　dared　to　put　off　the　mendicant—to　resume　my　natural　manner　and　character。　I　began　once　more　to　know　myself；　and　when　Mr。　St。　John　demanded　an　account—which　at　present　I　was　far　too　weak　to　render—I　said　after　a　brief　pause—
“Sir；　I　can　give　you　no　details　to…night。”
“But　what；　then；”　said　he；　“do　you　expect　me　to　do　for　you？”
“Nothing；”　I　replied。　My　strength　sufficed　for　but　short　answers。　Diana　took　the　word—
“Do　you　mean；”　she　asked；　“that　we　have　now　given　you　ay　dismiss　you　to　the　moor　and　the　rainy　night？”
I　looked　at　her。　She　had；　I　thought；　a　remarkable　countenance；　instinct　both　with　power　and　goodness。　I　took　sudden　courage。　Answering　her　passionate　gate　with　a　smile；　I　said—“I　will　trust　you。　If　I　were　a　masterless　and　stray　dog；　I　know　that　you　would　not　turn　me　from　your　hearth　to…night：　as　it　is；　I　really　have　no　fear。　Do　with　me　and　for　me　as　you　like；　but　excuse　me　from　much　discourse—my　breath　is　short—I　feel　a　spasm　when　I　speak。”　All　three　surveyed　me；　and　all　three　were　silent。
“Hannah；”　said　Mr。　St。　John；　at　last；　“let　her　sit　there　at　present；　and　ask　her　no　questions；　in　ten　minutes　more；　give　her　the　remainder　of　that　milk　and　bread。　Mary　and　Diana；　let　us　go　into　the　parlour　and　talk　the　matter　over。”
They　withdrew。　Very　soon　one　of　the　ladies　returned—I　could　not　tell　which。　A　kind　of　pleasant　stupor　was　stealing　over　me　as　I　sat　by　the　genial　fire。　In　an　undertone　she　gave　some　directions　to　Hannah。　Ere　long；　with　the　servant’s　aid；　I　contrived　to　mount　a　staircase；　my　dripping　clothes　were　removed；　soon　a　warm；　dry　bed　received　me。　I　thanked　God—experienced　amidst　unutterable　exhaustion　a　glow　of　grateful　joy—and　slept。
Chapter　29
The　recollection　of　about　three　days　and　nights　succeeding　this　is　very　dim　in　my　mind。　I　can　recall　some　sensations　felt　in　that　interval；　but　few　thoughts　framed；　and　no　actions　performed。　I　knew　I　was　in　a　small　room　and　in　a　narrow　bed。　To　that　bed　I　seemed　to　have　grown；　I　lay　on　it　motionless　as　a　stone；　and　to　have　torn　me　from　it　would　have　been　almost　to　kill　me。　I　took　no　note　of　the　lapse　of　time—of　the　change　from　morning　to　noon；　from　noon　to　evening。　I　observed　when　any　one　entered　or　left　the　apartment：　I　could　even　tell　who　they　were；　I　could　understand　what　was　said　when　the　speaker　stood　near　to　me；　but　I　could　not　answer；　to　open　my　lips　or　move　my　limbs　possible。　Hannah；　the　servant；　ing　disturbed　me。　I　had　a　feeling　that　she　wished　me　away：　that　she　did　not　understand　me　or　my　circumstances；　that　she　was　prejudiced　against　me。　Diana　and　Mary　appeared　in　the　chamber　once　or　twice　a　day。　They　would　whisper　sentences　of　this　sort　at　my　bedside—
“It　is　very　well　we　took　her　in。”
“Yes；　she　would　certainly　have　been　found　dead　at　the　door　in　the　morning　had　she　been　left　out　all　night。　I　wonder　what　she　has　gone　through？”
“Strange　hardships；　I　imagine—poor；　emaciated；　pallid　wanderer？”
“She　is　not　an　uneducated　person；　I　should　think；　by　her　manner　of　speaking；　her　accent　was　quite　pure；　and　the　clothes　she　took　off；　though　splashed　and　wet；　were　little　worn　and　fine。”
“She　has　a　peculiar　face；　fleshless　and　haggard　as　it　is；　I　rather　like　it；　and　when　in　good　health　and　animated；　I　can　fancy　her　physiognomy　would　be　agreeable。”
Never　once　in　their　dialogues　did　I　hear　a　syllable　of　regret　at　the　hospitality　they　had　extended　to　me；　or　of　suspicion　of；　or　aversion　to；　myself。　I　was　forted。
Mr。　St。　John　came　but　once：　he　looked　at　me；　and　said　my　state　of　lethargy　was　the　result　of　reaction　from　excessive　and　protracted　fatigue。　He　pronounced　it　needless　to　send　for　a　doctor：　nature；　he　was　sure；　would　manage　best；　left　to　herself。　He　said　every　nerve　had　been　overstrained　in　some　way；　and　the　whole　system　must　sleep　torpid　a　while。　There　was　no　disease。　He　imagined　my　recovery　would　be　rapid　enough　when　once　menced。　These　opinions　he　delivered　in　a　few　words；　in　a　quiet；　low　voice；　and　added；　after　a　pause；　in　the　tone　of　a　man　little　accustomed　to　expansive　ment；　“Rather　an　unusual　physiognomy；　certainly；　not　indicative　of　vulgarity　or　degradation。”
“Far　otherwise；”　responded　Diana。　“To　speak　truth；　St。　John；　my　heart　rather　warms　to　the　poor　little　soul。　I　wish　we　may　be　able　to　benefit　her　permanently。”
“That　is　hardly　likely；”　was　the　reply。　“You　will　find　she　is　some　young　lady　who　has　had　a　misunderstanding　with　her　friends；　and　has　probably　injudiciously　left　them。　We　may；　perhaps；　succeed　in　restoring　her　to　them；　if　she　is　not　obstinate：　but　I　trace　lines　of　force　in　her　face　which　make　me　sceptical　of　her　tractability。”　He　stood　considering　me　some　minutes；　then　added；　“She　looks　sensible；　but　not　at　all　handsome。”
“She　is　so　ill；　St。　John。”
“Ill　or　well；　she　would　always　be　plain。　The　grace　and　harmony　of　beauty　are　quite　wanting　in　those　features。”
On　the　third　day　I　was　better；　on　the　fourth；　I　could　speak；　move；　rise　in　bed；　and　turn。　Hannah　had　brought　me　some　gruel　and　dry　toast；　about；　as　I　supposed；　the　dinner…hour。　I　had　eaten　with　relish：　the　food　was　good—void　of　the　feverish　flavour　which　had　hitherto　poisoned　what　I　had　swallowed。　When　she　left　me；　I　felt　paratively　strong　and　revived：　ere　long　satiety　of　repose　and　desire　for　action　stirred　me。　I　wished　to　rise；　but　what　could　I　put　on？　Only　my　damp　and　bemired　apparel；　in　which　I　had　slept　on　the　ground　and　fallen　in　the　marsh。　I　felt　ashamed　to　appear　before　my　benefactors　so　clad。　I　was　spared　the　humiliation。
On　a　chair　by　the　bedside　were　all　my　own　things；　clean　and　dry。　My　black　silk　frock　hung　against　the　wall。　The　traces　of　the　bog　were　removed　from　it；　the　creases　left　by　the　wet　smoothed　out：　it　y　very　shoes　and　stockings　were　purified　and　rendered　presentable。　There　were　the　means　of　washing　in　the　room；　and　a　b　and　brush　to　smooth　my　hair。　After　a　weary　process；　and　resting　every　five　minutes；　I　succeeded　in　dressing　myself。　My　clothes　hung　loose　on　me；　for　I　was　much　wasted；　but　I　covered　deficiencies　with　a　shawl；　and　once　more；　clean　and　respectable　looking—no　speck　of　the　dirt；　no　trace　of　the　disorder　I　so　hated；　and　which　seemed　so　to　degrade　me；　left—I　crept　down　a　stone　staircase　with　the　aid　of　the　banisters；　to　a　narrow　low　passage；　and　found　my　way　presently　to　the　kitchen。
It　was　full　of　the　fragrance　of　new　bread　and　the　warmth　of　a　generous　fire。　Hannah　was　baking。　Prejudices；　it　is　well　known；　are　most　difficult　to　eradicate　from　the　heart　whose　soil　has　never　been　loosened　or　fertilised　by　education：　they　grow　there；　firm　as　weeds　among　stones。　Hannah　had　been　cold　and　stiff；　indeed；　at　the　first：　latterly　she　had　begun　to　relent　a　little；　and　when　she　saw　me　e　in　tidy　and　well…dressed；　she　even　smiled。
“What；　you　have　got　up！”　she　said。　“You　are　better；　then。　You　may　sit　you　down　in　my　chair　on　the　hearthstone；　if　you　will。”
She　pointed　to　the　rocking…chair：　I　took　it。　She　bustled　about；　examining　me　every　now　and　then　with　the　corner　of　her