little dorrit-信丽(英文版)-第135章

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when　you　quarrelled　with　her　one　winter　evening　at　dusk……there　she　sits
and　you　looking　at　her……that　she　oughtn't　to　have　let　Arthur　when　he
e　home；　suspect　his　father　only；　that　she　had　always　had　the　strength
and　the　power；　and　that　she　ought　to　have　stood　up　more　to　Arthur；　for
his　father。　It　was　in　the　same　dream　where　you　said　to　her　that　she　was
not……not　something；　but　I　don't　know　what；　for　she　burst　out　tremendous
and　stopped　you。　You　know　the　dream　as　well　as　I　do。　When　you　e
down…stairs　into　the　kitchen　with　the　candle　in　your　hand；　and　hitched
my　apron　off　my　head。　When　you　told　me　I　had　been　dreaming。　When　you
wouldn't　believe　the　noises。'　After　this　explosion　Affery　put　her　apron
into　her　mouth　again；　always　keeping　her　hand　on　the　window…sill　and　her
knee　on　the　window…seat；　ready　to　cry　out　or　jump　out　if　her　lord　and
master　approached。

Rigaud　had　not　lost　a　word　of　this。

'Haha！'　he　cried；　lifting　his　eyebrows；　folding　his　arms；　and　leaning
back　in　his　chair。　'Assuredly；　Madame　Flintwinch　is　an　oracle！　How　shall
we　interpret　the　oracle；　you　and　I　and　the　old　intriguer？　He　said　that
you　were　not……？　And　you　burst　out　and　stopped　him！　What　was　it　you　were
not？　What　is　it　you　are　not？　Say　then；　madame！'

Under　this　ferocious　banter；　she　sat　breathing　harder；　and　her　mouth　was
disturbed。　Her　lips　quivered　and　opened；　in　spite　of　her　utmost　efforts
to　keep　them　still。

'e　then；　madame！　Speak；　then！　Our　old　intriguer　said　that　you　were
not……and　you　stopped　him。　He　was　going　to　say　that　you　were　not……what？
I　know　already；　but　I　want　a　little　confidence　from　you。　How；　then？　You
are　not　what？'

She　tried　again　to　repress　herself；　but　broke　out　vehemently；　'Not
Arthur's　mother！'

'Good；'　said　Rigaud。　'You　are　amenable。'

With　the　set　expression　of　her　face　all　torn　away　by　the　explosion
of　her　passion；　and　with　a　bursting；　from　every　rent　feature；　of　the
smouldering　fire　so　long　pent　up；　she　cried　out：　'I　will　tell　it　myself！
I　will　not　hear　it　from　your　lips；　and　with　the　taint　of　your　wickedness
upon　it。　Since　it　must　be　seen；　I　will　have　it　seen　by　the　light　I　stood
in。　Not　another　word。　Hear　me！'

'Unless　you　are　a　more　obstinate　and　more　persisting　woman　than　even
I　know　you　to　be；'　Mr　Flintwinch　interposed；　'you　had　better　leave　Mr
Rigaud；　Mr　Blandois；　Mr　Beelzebub；　to　tell　it　in　his　own　way。　What　does
it　signify　when　he　knows　all　about　it？'

'He　does　not　know　all　about　it。'

'He　knows　all　he　cares　about　it；'　Mr　Flintwinch　testily　urged。　'He　does
not　know　me。'

'What　do　you　suppose　he　cares　for　you；　you　conceited　woman？'　said　Mr
Flintwinch。

'I　tell　you；　Flintwinch；　I　will　speak。　I　tell　you　when　it　has　e
to　this；　I　will　tell　it　with　my　own　lips；　and　will　express　myself
throughout　it。　What！　Have　I　suffered　nothing　in　this　room；　no
deprivation；　no　imprisonment；　that　I　should　condescend　at　last　to
contemplate　myself　in　such　a　glass　as　that。　Can　you　see　him？　Can　you
hear　him？　If　your　wife　were　a　hundred　times　the　ingrate　that　she　is；　and
if　I　were　a　thousand　times　more　hopeless　than　I　am　of　inducing　her　to　be
silent　if　this　man　is　silenced；　I　would　tell　it　myself；　before　I　would
bear　the　torment　of　the　hearing　it　from　him。'

Rigaud　pushed　his　chair　a　little　back；　pushed　his　legs　out　straight
before　him；　and　sat　with　his　arms　folded　over　against　her。

'You　do　not　know　what　it　is；'　she　went　on　addressing　him；　'to　be　brought
up　strictly　and　straitly。　I　was　so　brought　up。　Mine　was　no　light　youth
of　sinful　gaiety　and　pleasure。　Mine　were　days　of　wholesome　repression；
punishment；　and　fear。　The　corruption　of　our　hearts；　the　evil　of　our
ways；　the　curse　that　is　upon　us；　the　terrors　that　surround　us……these
were　the　themes　of　my　childhood。　They　formed　my　character；　and　filled　me
with　an　abhorrence　of　evil…doers。　When　old　Mr　Gilbert　Clennam　proposed
his　orphan　nephew　to　my　father　for　my　husband；　my　father　impressed　upon
me　that　his　bringing…up　had　been；　like　mine；　one　of　severe　restraint。
He　told　me；　that　besides　the　discipline　his　spirit　had　undergone；　he
had　lived　in　a　starved　house；　where　rioting　and　gaiety　were　unknown；　and
where　every　day　was　a　day　of　toil　and　trial　like　the　last。　He　told　me
that　he　had　been　a　man　in　years　long　before　his　uncle　had　acknowledged
him　as　one；　and　that　from　his　school…days　to　that　hour；　his　uncle's　roof
has　been　a　sanctuary　to　him　from　the　contagion　of　the　irreligious
and　dissolute。　When；　within　a　twelvemonth　of　our　marriage；　I　found
my　husband；　at　that　time　when　my　father　spoke　of　him；　to　have　sinned
against　the　Lord　and　outraged　me　by　holding　a　guilty　creature　in　my
place；　was　I　to　doubt　that　it　had　been　appointed　to　me　to　make　the
discovery；　and　that　it　was　appointed　to　me　to　lay　the　hand　of　punishment
upon　that　creature　of　perdition？　Was　I　to　dismiss　in　a　moment……not　my
own　wrongs……what　was　I！　but　all　the　rejection　of　sin；　and　all　the　war
against　it；　in　which　I　had　been　bred？'　She　laid　her　wrathful　hand　upon
the　watch　on　the　table。

'No！　〃Do　not　forget。〃　The　initials　of　those　words　are　within　here　now；
and　were　within　here　then。　I　was　appointed　to　find　the　old　letter　that
referred　to　them；　and　that　told　me　what　they　meant；　and　whose　work　they
were；　and　why　they　were　worked；　lying　with　this　watch　in　his　secret
drawer。　But　for　that　appointment　there　would　have　been　no　discovery。
〃Do　not　forget。〃　It　spoke　to　me　like　a　voice　from　an　angry　cloud。　Do
not　forget　the　deadly　sin；　do　not　forget　the　appointed　discovery；　do　not
forget　the　appointed　suffering。　I　did　not　forget。　Was　it　my　own　wrong　I
remembered？　Mine！　I　was　but　a　servant　and　a　minister。　What　power　could　I
have　over　them；　but　that　they　were　bound　in　the　bonds　of　their　sin；　and
delivered　to　me！'

More　than　forty　years　had　passed　over　the　grey　head　of　this　determined
woman；　since　the　time　she　recalled。　More　than　forty　years　of　strife
and　struggle　with　the　whisper　that；　by　whatever　name　she　called　her
vindictive　pride　and　rage；　nothing　through　all　eternity　could　change
their　nature。　Yet；　gone　those　more　than　forty　years；　and　e　this
Nemesis　now　looking　her　in　the　face；　she　still　abided　by　her　old
impiety……still　reversed　the　order　of　Creation；　and　breathed　her　own
breath　into　a　clay　image　of　her　Creator。　Verily；　verily；　travellers　have
seen　many　monstrous　idols　in　many　countries；　but　no　human　eyes　have　ever
seen　more　daring；　gross；　and　shocking　images　of　the　Divine　nature　than
we　creatures　of　the　dust　make　in　our　own　likenesses；　of　our　own　bad
passions。

'When　I　forced　him　to　give　her　up　to　me；　by　her　name　and　place　of
abode；'　she　went　on　in　her　torrent　of　indignation　and　defence；　'when　I
accused　her；　and　she　fell　hiding　her　face　at　my　feet；　was　it　my　injury
that　I　asserted；　were　they　my　reproaches　that　I　poured　upon　her？　Those
who　were　appointed　of　old　to　go　to　wicked　kings　and　accuse　them……were
they　not　ministers　and　servants？　And　had　not　I；　unworthy　and　far…removed
from　them；　sin　to　denounce？　When　she　pleaded　to　me　her　youth；　and　his
wretched　and　hard　life　（that　was　her　phrase　for　the　virtuous　training　he
had　belied）；　and　the　desecrated　ceremony　of　marriage　there　had
secretly　been　between　them；　and　the　terrors　of　want　and　shame　that　had
overwhelmed　them　both　when　I　was　first　appointed　to　be　the　instrument　of
their　punishment；　and　the　love　（for　she　said　the　word　to　me；　down　at　my
feet）　in　which　she　had　abandoned　him　and　left　him　to　me；　was　it　my　enemy
that　became　my　footstool；　were　they　the　words　of　my　wrath　that　made　her
shrink　and　quiver！　Not　unto　me　the　strength　be　ascribed；　not　unto　me　the
wringing　of　the　expiation！'

Many　years　had　e　and　gone　since　she　had　had　the　free　use　even　of
her　fingers；　but　it　was　noticeable　that　she　had　already　more　than　once
struck　her　clenched　hand　vigorously　upon　the　table；　and　that　when　she
said　these　words　she　raised　her　whole　arm　in　the　air；　as　though　it　had
been　a　mon　action　with　her。

'And　what　was　the　repentance　that　was　extorted　from　the　hardness　of　her
heart　and　the　blackness　of　her　depravity？　I；　vindictive　and　implacable？
It　may　be　so；　to　such　as　you　who　know　no　righteousness；　and　no
appointment　except　Satan's。　Laugh；　but　I　will　be　known　as　I　know
myself；　and　as　Flintwinch　knows　me；　though　it　is　only　to　you　and　this
half…witted　woman。'

'Add；　to　yourself；　madame；'　said　Rigaud。　'I　have　my　little　suspicions
that　madame　is　rather　solicitous　to　be　justified　to　herself。'

'It　is　false。　It　is　not　so。　I　have　no　need　to　be；'　she　said；　with　great
energy　and　anger。

'Truly？'　retorted　Rigaud。　'Hah！'

'I　ask；　what　was　the　penitence；　in　works；　that　was　demanded　of　her？

〃You　have　a　child；　I　have　none。　You　love　that　child。　Give　him　to　me。　He
shall　believe　himself　to　be　my　son；　and　he　shall　be　believed　by　every
one　to　be　my　son。　To　save　you　from　exposure；　his　father　shall　swear
never　to　see　or　municate　　from
being　stripped　by　his　uncle；　and　to　save　your　child　from　being　a　beggar；
you　shall　swear　never　to　see　or　municate　with　either　of　them　more。
That　done；　and　your　present　means；　derived　from　my　husband；　renounced；
I　charge　myself　with　your　support。　You　may；　with　your　place　of　retreat
unknown；　then　leave；　if　you　please；　uncontradicted　by　me；　the　lie　that
when　you　passed　out　of　all　knowledge　but　mine；　you　merited　a　good　name。〃
That　was　all。　She　had　to　sacrifice　her　sinful　and　shameful　affections；
no　more。　She　was　then　free　to　bear　her　load　of　guilt　in　secret；　and　to
break　her　heart　in　secret；　and　through　such　present　misery　（light　enough
for　her；　I　think！）　to　purchase　her　redemption　from　endless　misery；　if
she　could。　If；　in　this；　I　punished　her　here；　did　I　not　open　to　her　a　way
hereafter？　If　she　knew　herself　to　be　surrounded　by　insatiable　vengeance
and　unquenchable　fires；　were　they　mine？　If　I　threatened　her；　then　and
afterwards；　with　the　terrors　that　enpassed　her；　did　I　hold　them　in　my
right　hand？'

She　turned　the　watch　upon　the　table；　and　opened　it；　and；　with　an
unsoftening　face；　looked　at　the　worked　letters　within。

'They　did　not　forget。　It　is　appointed　against　such　offences　that　the
offenders　shall　not　be　able　to　forget。　If　the　presence　of　Arthur　was　a
daily　reproach　to　his　father；　and　if　the　absence　of　Arthur　was　a　daily
agony　to　his　mother；　that　was　the　just　dispensation　of　Jehovah。　As　well
might　it　be　charged　upon　me；　that　the　stings　of　an　awakened　conscience
drove　her　mad；　and　that　it　was　the　will　of　the　Disposer　of　all　things
that　she　should　live　so；　many　years。　I　devoted　myself　to　reclaim　the
otherwise　predestined　and　lost　boy；　to　give　him　the　reputation　of　an
honest　origin；　to　bring　him　up　in　fear　and　trembling；　and　in　a　life　of
practical　contrition　for　the　sins　that　were　heavy　on　his　head　before　his
entrance　into　this　condemned　world。　Was　that　a　cruelty？　Was　I；　too；
not　visited　with　consequences　of　the　original　offence　in　which　I　had　no
plicity？　Arthur's　father　and　I　lived　no　further　apart；　with　half　the
globe　between　us；　than　when　we　were　together　in　this　house。　He　died；
and　sent　this　watch　back　to　me；　with　its　Do　not　forget。　I　do　NOT　forget；
though　I　do　not　read　it　as　he　did。　I　read　in　it；　that　I　was　appointed
to　do　these　things。　I　have　so　read　these　three　letters　since　I　have
had　them　lying　on　this　table；　and　I　did　so　read　them；　with　equal
distinctness；　when　they　were　thousands　of　miles　away。'

As　she　took　the　watch…case　in　her　hand；　with　that　new　freedom　in　the　use
of　her　hand　of　which　she　showed　no　consciousness　whatever；　bending　her
eyes　upon　it　as　if　she　were　defying　it　to　move　her；　Rigaud　cried　with　a
loud　and　contemptuous　snapping　of　his　fingers。　'e；　madame！　Time　runs
out。　e；　lady　of　piety；　it　must　be！　You　can　tell　nothing　I　don't　know。
e　to　the　money　stolen；　or　I　will！　Death　of　my　soul；　I　have　had　enough
of　your　other　jargon。　e　straight　to　the　stolen　money！'

'Wretch　that　you　are；'　she　answered；　and　now　her　hands　clasped　her　head：
'through　what　fatal　error　of　Flintwinch's；　through　what　inpleteness
on　his　part；　who　was　the　only　other　person　helping　in　these　things　and
trusted　with　them；　through　whose　and　what　bringing　together　of　the　ashes
of　a　burnt　paper；　you　have　bee　possessed　of　that　codicil；　I　know　no
more　than　how　you　acquired　the　rest　of　your　power　here……'

'And　yet；'　interrupted　Rigaud；　'it　is　my　odd　fortune　to　have　by　me；　in　a
convenient　place　that　I　know　of；　that　same　short　little　addition　to　the
will　of　Monsieur　Gilbert　Clennam；　written　by　a　lady　and　witnessed　by　the
same　lady　and　our　old　intriguer！　Ah；　bah；　old　intriguer；　crooked　little
puppet！　Madame；　let　us　go　on。　Time　presses。　You　or　I　to　finish？'

'I！'　she　answered；　with　increased　determination；　if　it　were　possible。
'I；　because　I　will　not　endure　to　be　shown　myself；　and　have　myself
shown　to　any　one；　with　your　horrible　distortion　upon　me。　You；　with　your
practices　of　infamous　foreign　prisons　and　galleys　would　make　it　the
money　that　impelled　me。　It　was　not　the　money。'

'Bah；　bah；　bah！　I　repudiate；　for　the　moment；　my　politeness；　and　say；
Lies；　lies；　lies。　You　know　you　suppressed　the　deed　and　kept　the　money。'

'Not　for　the　money's　sake；　wretch！'　She　made　a　struggle　as　if　she　were
starting　up；　even　as　if；　in　her　vehemence；　she　had　almost　risen　on　her
disabled　feet。　'If　Gilbert　Clennam；　reduced　to　imbecility；　at　the　point
of　death；　and　la